Ep. 15 - I Married A Lizardman by Regine Abel

Ok, so we're a little late. Maybe Chloe is too burnt out and maybe JC is too hyped for Chile to focus. But that doesn't stop us from discussing the socio-economic inspiration for some lizards or the ways in which maybe our FMC is reinventing the South African Boer lie. 

Transcript

0:07

I'm sorry, what? I've read the ones of the Welcome to Paradise. It's literature. I'm Chloe. And I'm JC. And and we're here surrounded by dogs that are a little too hype. We're living our best life. We're talking books. We're talking monsters. We're talking whatever JC's been reading recently. And we're gonna we're gonna give a little zhuz. We're gonna we're gonna serve some work appropriate cunt. Are we? No. I feel like we've never done that. It's not it's work appropriate if you work at like a slutty bookstore. Like a slutty bookstore for sure. Yeah. Or if you have headphones on that like d uh don't don't bring any audio to anybody else in your surrounding area. I think the move is to like phone DJ but a podcast. No. That does sound nobody's ever done that on the bus when I have to go to work. Oh, that's crazy. No one's ever listened to a pod. No, they're always playing like um uh there's a guy on my bus that uh he's there all the time and he almost exclusively plays MM songs or like 80s heavy metal songs, and then he'll be like, yo, what if MM rapped over this dog? Oh, did you just do an accent there? I did. I can tell. Thank you. Um, and and you go like, oh, that would probably sound terrible. I've heard a lot of phone DJing, but mostly for like Joe Rogan stuff. Have you really? That's funny. Joe Rogan people can't help but play that shit out route out loud. Yeah, that makes sense. If you have like the type of brain worm that makes you think Joe Rogan is like good content, you probably also have the type of brain worm that says that like it's fine, it's socially acceptable to play it out loud in like a public space. Yeah, it's it's like it's not always true, but it's it's gonna be 90% of the way true. Anyway. Every clip I've ever seen of Joe Rogan seems so low energy in a way I can't imagine because his podcast episodes are like three hours long, but then he's also like the country of Chad is where? Oh my god, you got no more accents this episode. We're done with accents, it's not happening. I'm gonna do three more accents this episode. You get one. It'll be three. Yeah, you get one, and then after that, I'm cutting like a master cut of you just saying goofy shit, and that's another bonus episode. That's another bonus episode. Yeah, just you saying goofy shit. What have you been reading? What have I been reading? What a good question. Thank you. Um does it have an accent in it? It does, but I don't think it's socially acceptable if I do it. Oh, interesting. Now he cares about that. Interesting, interesting. Um, I recently read the book The Promise by Damon Galgut, um, which is about a white South African family. Um This sounds like it's begging for an accent. It does sound like that. Um a white South African family who on the deathbed of the family's mother, um, the youngest daughter overhears her promise their black African maid that um she will bequeath her the uh the house that she lives on, on like their land. Um and so then kind of the rest of the book is this youngest daughter trying to like socially force the remaining members of her family to um like bequeath this house to this woman. And they keep kind of being like, Oh, like I know we promised it's not the right time yet. How would I how would I even do that right now? Um, and then uh it kind of has this uh kind of beautiful moment at the end of the book where um this maid's disaffected son, spoiler warning, spoiler alert, I guess, for the promise by Damon Galga. Um but he kind of has As if anyone listening to this podcast would be like this sounds like it's for me. Yeah, hang on. Oh, they fucked it up. Um uh but like um it has kind of has this like real to me a very beautiful moment where the maid's disaffected son kind of has this moment where he's like, This shouldn't have been yours to bequeath us anyway. Because she, the youngest daughter finally is able to bequeath the house to this maid, and he's like, You should have never been able to do this. This isn't your you're white, you're not from here. This should never this is like our land and your your settlers on on here. And um, I really liked it. I thought it was uh really nice. I was surprised because Damon Galgut is himself a white South African, so I kind of had maybe this is why I loved it so much. I had relatively low expectations, um, as I do for all media made by white South Africans. Um but I thought it was really nice, and I uh really found myself enjoying it. I I enjoyed um the way Damon Galgott writes it, which is he he has this like really quick turning um shifts in perspective or POV. Um, and at first I found that confusing, um, but by the end of the book I really liked it and I thought it was really cool. Um anyway, uh what have uh what have you been reading? I want to go back to your weird book. Okay. Why? Why which part? Why do you read books about the real world? Why do I read books about the real world? The real world is disgusting and awful. And I don't see why anyone would want to read just stories about how it's disgusting and awful. I think for me it it comes with um interesting perspectives. I think that's a big piece of it. I like um kind of uh reading the story about how Damon Galgot sees the world, sees his place in South Africa as a white South African, and um and then within that kind of acknowledges that you know he is despite being b having been born in South Africa, uh is kind of an a cultural interloper. Um and I think that's interesting to read about. Um I think it's it helps put perspective on you know what tr true atrocities of the world, and that's generally why I read books like this, because I like seeing those types of um different angles on stuff that you see in like the news. Oh, you got hope for humanity type shit. I mean, yeah, I suppose. Um, you think people are naturally good type shit? I guess I I think so. Uh but I also think it just kind of um it gives a new angle on something. You know, you know, it's not even necessarily like uh uh a hope, so much so as it's a new way of thinking about a topic I already think about. Uh being what you know, white South Africans. Um and um so for me it's kind of interesting to see like um, you know, for example, like one of the characters in the book is this like um weird piece of shit. One of the brothers is like this weird piece of shit, and um he like loves guns and he dies. The heavy implication is he dies because um he's extremely drunk and he accidentally uh shoots himself. He like falls down uh on his gun and uh dies. And I think that's kind of an interesting place to see um, you know, for for like his character and like his like um what that character sees as like his place in the world, um, as like a white landowner in South Africa. Uh I think that's interesting. Um I mean it's kind of just an interest in um a group of people that I already kind of dislike and disrespect. Reading historical fiction is just doing bastardizations of Herodotus. It's true. If we're thinking about it, it's doing Herodotus. It's giving Herodotus, it's getting the father of history, but poorly done. Well, no, only because I think that uh Herodotus was like, yeah, the Battle of Thermopylae was like 10 trillion Persians versus like 11 oiled up Greek guys. That's basically the story you just told me about. That is not true. 10 trillion white South Africans and 11 greased up racist guys with guns. I don't know. Well, because Herodotus told it as truth. He was like, that's what happened. Damon Galgut is like, none of these people are real, they're all fake. The concept of truth is a very interesting one. What the hell historically? Herodotus believed he was telling the truth because he was getting it secondhand from other people. In fact, all they were doing is historical fiction, bitch. Yeah, but they he didn't know he was telling historical fiction. Or did he? Or is truth something that's just kind of been more clearly defined in our modern day and age? Well, I mean, yeah. So For sure. So Herodotus wasn't trying to tell historical fiction, he was trying to tell truth. He was whereas Damon Galgot is like, these people don't exist. Truth is is not um They're the same. No. Yeah. No, I don't think that's true. Okay, anyone who identifies as a man needs to shut up. I'm right. Thank you. What have you been reading? I read Hauntings and Company by Lizzie Strong, which is um one of her early King Falls one, which I really wanted to read because it's referenced in my favorite book, How to Marry a Lich. Uh it's really, really cute. Uh all of her books, which I will I I sing uh praises from high heavens. Uh what if a like a lithid mind flayer, tentacle-faced bitch, like you would see in Baldur's Gate 3. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ran a company and his secretary was a half-elf warlock, whose patron was Cthulhu. Is that is that just his guy? No. Is he not related to Cthulhu? That's not like his cousin. Not even a little. No, it's really not. Okay, so just because they both have tentacle faces, they're suddenly related? I mean, kind of. Girl, that is that's crazy fantasy racist right there. Oh my god. Okay, white South African, I get it. You're like, no, I just no. No, they're not the same, JC. They're totally different anyway. It's not his cousin. He's like, oh my god, your patron's my cousin. Your patron is my cousin, little Brian. No, not even a little. Not even a little. They're not even closely related. They have nothing to do with each other. He doesn't know that guy? No. Okay. Oh my god. Anyway, her patron is Cthulhu and he's just a separate tentacle-faced man. Yes! And they fall in love. Oh, sorry, every person who has slightly curly hair knows each other. They're all kind of related. I do believe that, yeah. Girl, don't talk to me. Oh my god. It's the Welsh. I can't deal with you. Oh my god. Anyway. Anyway. You and Posey are related. You and Pete you're related. That's why you guys are twins. Yeah. What else happens in this book? They fall in love. It's really cute. She defies her mom and tells her mom to shove it because her mom's like an abusive narcissist. Uh, she gains confidence because she is accepted for who she is by her tentacle-faced boyfriend. Who's not related to Cthulhu? No, his name is Marcus with a K. What's Cthulhu's name? Cthulhu. That's it. Yes! Wait, so he's just like a guy. No, Cthulhu is Cthulhu's a god. He's an Aldridge god. Not like his race? No. Oh, okay. No, it's fine. Oh. Yeah, I gotta go see my cousin Cthulhu at Thanksgiving. Oh my god. He's like nine million miles tall. You're one of those people who's like, oh my god, do you know my black friend? And it's just like a random person you're coming across on the other side of the city. You're like, do you know them? Or um my favorite is always people who do that to like people in wheelchairs. I know a guy in a wheelchair. Do you know him? That's literally you. That's weird. I know a guy with a tentacle on his face. He lives in a different dimension and he's an eldridge god. Do you know him? Wait, okay. Do you not know wait, I I was gonna ask, do you not know the lore, but I know that you don't. You know I don't. I know you don't, so I know. I do have a follow-up question. Hang on, so they're a race of people with tentacle faces, uh-huh. Um, but they're just like normal human heights and they have normal human stuff going on. They're like six and a half feet tall. Sexy. Um, there is a god, and his whole thing is he's like, yeah, I'm kind of like a horror to behold because I have hella tentacles on my face, and I'm like a million and I'm a million miles tall, and they have no interest in him. They're like, yeah. Oh my god. Okay, okay, we're gonna have to. We're kind of followers of Jesus Christ, Jesus of Nazareth. Elithids slash mindflayers slash destroyers are a race of people in the DD world that have tentacles and psychic powers. Okay. They are created by having like a worm put into the brain of a human or other creature, and it eats through their brain, and then it'll hatch and turn into a mind flare. That's awesome. They do not have reproductive organs for reproduction. Okay. Um they are all controlled by something called an elder brain. Okay. And the elder brain is the leader of a hive of mind flares. And in some of them, like Marcus from Hauntings and Company, and the Emperor from Baldur's Gate 3, you are able to overpower and break away from the control of the elder brain and become your own functioning illicit person. Okay. Okay, that's Marcus. Can I ask a stupid question? Yes. Do you think if the illithed mind flayers, if they're they're like they're breaking away from the elder brain, and then they convert to Cthulhuism, do you think that's kind of like um, you know, like when black people kind of have this like um uh this like cognitive dissonance over um like being Christian, and they're like, I'll just be Muslim now. It's kind of like that for them. I think you really hook on the fact that like they both have tentacles, but this is a fantasy world, right? Okay, a lot of things have tentacles in this world. And they don't know each other. No! The the first book I read, which is How to Marry a Lich, he is a sea serpent. Okay. Lich. Okay. Undead. Does he have tentacles on that? He's a tentacle penis. Oh, sure. That's nice. Yeah. That's pretty sick. Yeah. Okay. But they're not on his face. So he probably doesn't know Cthulhu. He doesn't see Cthulhu at Thanksgiving. Cthulhu. Cthulhu is a higher being that lives on a different plane in these worlds. Okay. Yeah. Oh, he lives too far away to go to his aunt's house for Thanksgiving? Yes. He's chained up because he's an elitist being who is who is the most terrifying of all of them. So they gotta go to his house. Anyway, Cthulhu. I'm sorry, this is a stupid tangent. Cthulhu in this book, Hauntings and Company, is like a father figure that steps in and takes patrons that are young children that were like abandoned by their family and nobody. Oh, that's really nice. Yeah, it is. Cool. Shut up. What else happens? I'm trying to keep you on topic now. I'm on top I'm on topic. I'm on topic. I'm good. The rest you can read about because it's really good and I really love it. And uh we Lizzie gang strong over here. We we uh Lizzie Strong. Kind of like Army Strong, but we Lizzie Strong. We like Army Strong, yeah. We ride hard. Um I'm obsessed. Go Lizzie instead of go army. Lizzie Strong is kind of the army. Lizzie Strong is army, yeah. Or BTS Army, but for Lizzie Strong. Yeah, it's it's me and like my handful of people who are just like go hard for this bitch. Did you meet her at Monster Erotica Club? That's hell. I bought so many books. Hell yes, dude. I came out with like 11 or 12 books. Of hers? Just episode I think there's only like one or two I didn't buy. Hell yeah. Uh and I was like, when's the next one coming out for this? Um it's called the Rosemont Manor series. And she's like, soon, watch my arc. I was like, girl, I'm already on it. I'm on it. I've I check every email you send out, bitch. The next one is about Frankenstein's monster, but his name is Austin in the series, and he's gonna get a bitch. His name is Austin? Yes. Austin Stein? No, his last name is Rosemont because he's adopted by the sea serpent Lich. So no, so he has entirely removed his relationship to the doctor. There is no Dr. Frankenstein! Sebastian the Sea Serpent Lich created Austin. Okay. And so Austin is akin to a Frankenstein monster racially. Francially. But but he is not related to the character of Frankenstein. More like a more like a type of monster. Okay, no relationship to the doctor. No. Oh, that's a shame. This is the same series that has not Slender Man. Oh, yeah, yeah. Legally not Slender Man. Legally not Slender Man. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I think I might have met this woman. You did meet this woman. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, because she has the pink hair and she's amazing. Yeah, yeah, I remember this. Yeah, legally not a slender man. Legally not slender man. No, he's just a slender. What are we what are we talking about today? Okay, today we are talking about one of maybe the most beloved series in all monster fuckers. Uh, you did not meet this author. Her name is Regine Abel. Regine. I believe she is based out of Canada. She has a series that is on its third omnibus. Working on her fourth one right now. That's how many of these there are. Um called Primating Agency. Like monkeys? No. Primates. Prime space mating agency. Gotcha. PMA. Nothing to do with monkeys. Nothing to do with monkeys. Did she do that on purpose? Is that a joke? No. Oh, okay. Okay, these books are all, there's so many of them. These are all books which you will see and you'll recognize if you're ever in like a monster fucker world, which is always I Married a Blank. Yes. Starts with I Married a Lizard Man, I Married a Naga, I Married a Birdman is the third one, which I am currently working on. Uh but she's like, I married a mermaid, I married a cramp. Like shit like that. There's a lot of marriage happening. That's the whole what's the pro that's the whole point. It's a marriage agency. The prime mating agency is a match making mating. They should do a poly one. I'm in a polycule with and then you just list like six monsters. I believe there is one where like they there's there's like usually like a thruple monster type where like there's two halves or like they're brothers or like split beats. It's very strange anyway. They're doing the like poly polycule scheduling thing where they're like, no, tonight's my night with uh Sabrina or whatever this bitch's name is. Well, we're starting with I Married a Lizard Man. Okay. I read this one a while back in Australia, which is like Flex. Flex. Um when I couldn't sleep, flex. Um, and so I finish this all in one night. I try not to talk to you about my book, so we're gonna see how this goes. Okay. Okay. So empty your mind of whole things South Africa, because we aren't in the world and done. Okay. I try I try to do that all the time. I start my conversations by emptying my head of South Africa, especially the white ones. Okay, so humans in this world are all over the planet. Okay. All over the world, the galaxy. Okay, the galaxy. The galaxy. Um it's far, far away, and it's a long time ago. Legally, no. Oh, okay. Nice. Okay, so we start out with our female main character. Her name is Susan. Nice. Ew. Don't like that name. You love that name. That's my mother's name. No, I know. I'm familiar. Ew. Um Susan is the third daughter on a matriarchal farming colony. Sick. Okay. Because kind of white South African coated, if you ask me. Because of that, her oldest sister inherits all the land. Mm-hmm. Her second sister is the spare, and she has nothing to offer, therefore no one wants to marry her. Oh, sure. So she's kind of like doomed. She's essentially like running up on her 26th birthday. I don't remember how old she is, but the equivalent of like her 26th birthday, we're like, there goes your health insurance from your parents, bitch. Better figure this out. There's no like dowry or nothing? No. Because she's the third. She doesn't she's supposed to just get lucky. She gets no dowry. She gets no dowry. She's like not super hot. Okay. She has no dowry. She has nothing to offer. She loves farming, but she's not allowed to farm her land because that's her sister's job. Um so she's like goes around to all these like matchmaking agencies. Like there's like the hot boy one, there's like the human one, there's like like, you know, like the hot the top. The primo. The primo hunky alien one. Okay. And she runs out of options. They're all like, we can't find a match for you. So she ends up going to the prime space mating agency. Okay. Oh, because she's the primate. No. Um I feel like that's correct. Prime in this agency name stands for primitive. Okay. For societies that have not quite developed to the same level of technology that human have. Okay. Okay. Um there's this agency is run by a bird guy. He's like the representative here. And this agency is essentially like an outreach program run by a nonprofit organization in order to help strengthen the power of oppressed, primitive alien societies. Nice. Hell yes. This bird guy, who is gonna be her case manager. Okay, I'm familiar. Is psychic. So he's like, I know how to match people. Like, I got you, girl, like, don't worry about this. I'm gonna find you a man that works out perfectly. He's like, here's your best match. He pulls out a picture of a lizard man. He's like, this is your best match. His name is Olix. Okay, what if I'm like, I d I don't, I uh hard disagree. You can say no, but like, if you say no to this guy, you're shadowed luck. This is the last stop on the way to poverty. This is the only this is the only guy available. It's this lizard guy. Yeah. Okay. He's like, I've matched you up. You know how like when you used to go on like OK Cupid, it would tell you like this guy's a 99% match? I do remember these. He's doing that internally. So he's like, this is your 99% match. And if you're like, I don't know about that, he's like, I don't want to give you the 77% match. Yeah. So he's like, tough shit, like this is your match, his name is Olux. Did you ever, when you were on OK Cupid, did you ever like um did you ever like look at someone with like a relatively low percentage match and you were like, nah. Yeah. Are you taking the percentages seriously? Yeah. Me too. If it was less than 70, I did the same thing! Because if it was less than 70, we were fundamentally disagreeing on things that were very important to me, like should gay people have rights? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like that was like a lot of the questions. It was like, uh, it was it would be questions that are like, do you think bisexuals should be murdered in a ditch? Yes, no. And then you had to rank like how important is that to you? Very? Yeah, pretty important, I suppose. Um, anyway, rude. So she got her okay, Cuban match. His name is Olux, he's a lizard man. He's got a tail. Nice. He's got dreads. Uh what? He's got dreads. He's he's got locks? He got locks? Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, with what hair? On the tail on his head. He has he like grows hair? Yes. That's fucked up. Okay. Um I don't like that. He's a lizard. Shut up. He like she like looks at this picture of this guy and she's like, uh, he's like not much of a looker, and the lizard, nope. The bird is like actually he's considered to be the hottest piece of ass on his planet. And she's like, Why does he want to marry like an outsider then? And the bird's like, oh well, their like religious leader, a seer, right? Like a psychic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, said that he would marry an off-worder, and that off-world would change the fate of his clan and restore them to like their former glory and shit like that. That's awesome. I like that he's taking that seriously. Yeah, so the hottest lizard boy is marrying the middest human girl, and that's just gonna be great. This is something I uh I feel like straight women do this relatively often. Well, they'll they'll experience like two and a half years of like bad dating experiences, and they'll be like, Yeah, I guess I'll just go to a psychic and let like the most alt woman in this town uh make some shit up at me. It's great, I love it. Did you do that? Hell yeah. Hell yeah, hell yeah. After I got dumped uh in my uh twenties, uh I was in college and I went to a palm reader in New Orleans and I was there, and she's like, You've had a lot of heartbreak. And I was like, Yeah. It was a devastating cold read on her part. She did she nailed it right on the head. Right on the head. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so the rules for this marriage, stop distracting me, I'm sorry, are that if you accept, you have to move to that guy's planet for at least six months. I have to leave South Africa planet in a trial marriage. Nice. If after six months you decide I'm not into it, you can leave without having to repay any of the moving, uh, dowry, anything that this agency sets up for you. Okay. But you have to stay for six months. Sure. He's like, also, bitch, Susan, since you're since you're a farmer, I think this is gonna be a really good match because Olux's people live on the most fertile land in the entire galaxy, but they are a hunter-gatherer society, not a farmer society. And you could help because if they farmed even like a small percentage of their land, no, no, no, no. I'm not done. They would be able to supply food for the entire race of people. Okay. That's a bring this back to South Africa. This just was the myth. Okay, I'm not done. But like they needed bowers to come and show the barbarians of the Shaka Zulu how to farm. And he has locks? No, this is interesting. Shut up. Um, okay. Um, is also currently going huge amounts of gentrification from a capitalist corporate society that's trying to take this rural planet and turn it into a spa resort for other people off planet. Okay. Okay. I do want to put in there, Regene Abel is a black woman. Okay. So be careful. I didn't say anything. I'm just saying, just be careful, just be careful. Okay. Okay. So she's like, bad, let's go. Um, so her and the bird guy fly to this planet. Nice. Olux is there, he meets them. The ship got in early, so he meets her late. He sees her across the like space bay and is like, she's ugly as fuck. Well, yeah, she's like a monkey. She sees him across the space. Wait, hang on. I need to. Is she black? Is that racially insensitive? She's she's a redhead. Okay. She's white. Yeah, okay. So she's a monkey. To him at least. She's like a primate. I guess. Umate. And she thinks he's ugly as shit. Uh they do a human wedding in the space bay just to like legally tile their knots. That's funny. And she's like, she's like, I don't need everything, like, don't worry about it. Wait, what do you mean they do a human wedding? So they're they have to do her wedding and they have to do his wedding. Yeah, that's fine. What's the human wedding? Just like what we did. Like a like a legal, like, do you agree? Yes, yes. They just human human weddings sounds so boring. They just like sign the paperwork. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then and then and then the human, the human, like, uh, justice of the peace is like, you may kiss your bride, and he's like, What the fuck is that? That's gross. I don't know. She hasn't done any research on humans. That's that's pretty insensitive of him. He realizes that. He's like, Oh my god, I'm already failing her. I don't even know what that is. He like bites her lips really hard. No, she it's Does he have lips? Yeah, he has lips. Okay. He's a lizard. Lizards don't have lips. Um, so she opted to not have a big human wedding because she's going to do his traditional clan wedding when he she gets back to her new home, his village. That's magnanimous of her. I agree. Um the the bird guy is like, I'll send all your shit out to the village later. Like, don't worry about it. Hey, Olex, where's the ship you're getting her back to your village in? And he's like, oh no, we're gonna ride the traditional animal back. Which apparently is akin to like I don't know, a rhino crossed with a dinosaur type shit because it's got spikes down its back. Okay, so this sounds awesome. And they're like, she can't do that. We need to get her something to do with that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. She can't just hard ride a dinosaur. Ride the cool dinosaur. She rides the dinosaur, but she has to have a pad because like otherwise she's gonna get her shit tore up. Well, yeah, you don't and you don't want her shit tore up. Trust me, Olex. Yes. I'm gonna set you on fire. Um, okay, so they get back to the village, everyone's like, she looks weird, and then she is rushed off by Olex's mom and sister to get ready for the alien wedding. Can I ask a another question? Am I asking too many questions? No, no, no, it's fine. Okay, so she comes from like a matriarchal planet. Yep. What's the what's the gender politics on her new planet, Lizard Land? Uh Lizard planet. Lizard Land is uh split gender. Yeah, yeah, but like w what's the what's the hegemony? I mean he's the clan leader. Okay, for sure. Is is there like are you are you purposefully not interested in my question? No. I mean, like, it's there's like it's it's gender equality. The women hunt and they Okay do you do everything else, he's just the clan leader. Oh, okay, sure. Like I already said. Anyway, so she goes with the lizards and they like do her hair all fancy to like make it look like she is locks. Oh no, she can't do that. They use like spiral beats to like make it look like she is locks. They just twist her hair around it. Oh, okay, that's fine. Um, they're like trying to get her naked because aliens get married naked. She's like, absolutely not. Um and they're like, we don't understand. And she goes, I do not show these bits to anyone but my husband. So she gets married in her undies. Okay, so she's she's wearing like that C string thing. She's got like undies and a bra on. In a bra. Yeah. Lame. Oh my god. They paint her like in traditional markings, and then she goes out to get married. Um and she gets married by the seer. Okay. And Olix is up there and they're on a platform and they're holding it. What if the seer is like not this one? Anyway. Um part of their religious ceremony of marriage is that the seer takes and wax her with essentially like uh an olive branch. Um only because these are like lizard people and they're huge and they're strong, uh, she whacks this bitch hard as hell. Okay, she's kind of flogging her. Yes. Um and this makes Susan like jump back and be like, what the hell? And everyone's like, she broke the religious circle, she's gonna destroy everything. That's pretty fucked up. And the CRS to be like, no no, see, she's still holding on to his hand, it's just a sign that there's gonna be challenges, but that like the roots are strong in this relationship, which like quick thinking, bitch. You're so right for that one. Um so after they smack, um smack. They smack. Uh they have to do the usual thing you see in a lot of these alien books, uh, which is like the mating mark. Okay. Um she's got blunt teeth, so she cuts him. Uh he bites her on the neck, as is per usual. Sure. Um and um then they uh they're taken back to his little den. Nice. Uh and because he's a lizard, he sleeps in a hole in the ground. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's where they tend to sleep for sure. Yeah, like a like a yeah. Is it like a nice hole in the ground? Yeah, he's got like furs and shit, but like it's like a little it's like a I I put in my notes kind of like an omega's nest. Oh, sure. Like an omega's nest. Like an omega's nest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like furs on the ground and stuff. It's romantic. Is there a fire? Uh I don't know. Probably he's a lizard. He's cold-blooded, I would presume. Yeah, so okay, so uh this is like a romantic setting. I guess. Um, but now that it's after the wedding, it's time for Fiox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and that's why it's romantic. Fuck. Um, he's like, she like is like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and get ready. He's like sitting there in his little omega's nest, being like, I don't know about this. Like, this has already kind of been a lot. And I didn't know about kissing, and I didn't realize that getting whacked with a tree would hurt her, and like I cut her, and like she's probably like really upset at me. Um uh she's like also kind of ugly, so like I don't even know if I can get a lizard boner. Um and then she comes out in like a little like neglige. Okay, and he's like, never mind. He's into the negligee. He was he wasn't for it until he saw her in what just like some sheer panties. They have to go into the Omega Ness and discuss things because she's like, I didn't look up your people's mating practices, and I know you didn't look up mine, so we need to talk through this. Um He doesn't even know what a doggy is, so he has no idea what doggy style is. Oh my god. Um, so the lizard people are self-lubricating, so they don't require any foreplay, and they just like they just like abandon bone, you know? Nice. Um she's like, that is absolutely not gonna happen. Uh he's like, okay. Uh she's like, you definitely need to do foreplay. And he's like, I don't know what that is, but you'll have to show me. She goes, Okay, cool. Also, just because I know you're gonna freak out, I'm a virgin. What? So I'm gonna bleed the first time. And he goes, Why are you a virgin? She goes, What do you mean? He goes, Aren't you like an adult? And she's like, Yeah, and he's like, So why doesn't anyone want to fuck you? And she's like, she's like fair question. She's like, My colony used to be religious, so like we still kind of follow certain religious expectations, so you don't really have sex outside of marriage. Which makes me wonder, how did you go from a religious, apparently Christian colony to a matriarchal farming colony? Yeah, how did this happen? Where'd the boys go? And good and keep them down and where are the boys? Keep them down. Where are the fellas? Hopefully wiped out in a plague. Oh my god. Down with boys. Um anyway. So she's like, I'm gonna bleed the first time, it's chill, don't freak out. You need to do foreplay. And he's like, show me what foreplay is, and she's like, Bet. So she like licks his abs. Because he's a lizard with abs. Nice. What? Um, to which I say, Alright, uh, sure. Uh I guess. Those aren't abs, they're just scales. She's just confused. Um, it gets him all hot and bothered. Um and he's like, Oh, this is dope. Um, and then he's like, let me try. Uh obviously they end up boning. Yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Uh once he like breaks for Hyman and she bleeds on the sheets. For sure. He like takes the sheets and runs outside. Yeah. Yeah, he needs to show those off. I'm familiar. I've seen I've read media before. No, he just like takes them and runs outside and like stores them someplace. Yeah, he needs to this is like after he needs to prove to his homies that he finished the bet. Oh my. And that's how he does it, and uh he's kind of hard and scot-coated. So he comes back, um, and and they keep boning. Nice. Um, and and it's all great and dandy. Hell yeah. Uh the next morning, uh, she goes outside, he's not in bed, uh, and she sees that he has taken the bloody sheets and essentially like I don't know how to describe it. Burned away the parts that weren't covered in her blood. Hell yes. Um, like sealed in the blood, sure, and then turned it into like decorative fabric he like embroidered on to his like bandolier and like I don't know, bow and arrow holder or whatever. Yeah, so he's like, haha, I have done this, and she's like, Why did you do this? And he's like, Because it is like the greatest honor a mate could bestow is to bleed for another. Um yeah, for sure. Kind of cute. Um, now that they know how awesome now that they know how awesome boning is, they don't stop, they just keep boning all the time. Um she notices that there's a bunch of farmland around them, and she's like, I would really like to try. Yeah, hey, isn't she supposed to be doing farm stuff? Stop getting boned. She got digmatized. Um, so she's like, I would like to try farming. And she says this to his mother, and his mother's like, Don't fucking say that shit, you nasty little slut. What? How fucking dare you? Hell yeah. Sh shut the fuck up. Mother mothers-in-law be like Um, um, yeah. Uh, because on top of the fact that they are being gentrified off of their planet essentially, they won't do farming, they're a hunter-gatherer community, the number of animals they bring back from hunts and the amount of food they're bringing back from gathering is like rapidly diminishing, and like their people are like on the brink of starvation. Yeah, yeah, this tracks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, so anyway, even though she's like, I want to farm, and I think it can help the people, and like I'm not saying you guys need to be farmers, I'm willing to do all the farming, um, but like you guys will die otherwise. And the mom is like, shut the fuck up. Shut up. And she's like, Whoa, where'd that come from? And it turns out that the gentrifying people who now run resorts are also former slave owners. Okay. The slaves being the lizard people. Yes, yes, yes. So the lizard people were enslaved 54 years ago for like a handful of years, um, to be farmers and farm the land. Okay. Okay. Um, and the like slave owners were slave owners and they're really cruel and like evil and bad. And so now the lizards have generational trauma about farming. Nice. So they won't farm. And the mom is like, How fucking dare you even suggest that? Like, how you don't even know about our shit, like, get off my dick type shit. Okay. Yeah. Um, so she's like, that's kind of weird. Like, she responded kind of crazy. So she goes to her husband, Olix, and is like, I want to farm. And he's like, Absolutely not. Stop saying this. No wife of mine is going to be a dirt digger derogatory. Okay. Alright. And if you try to do farming or try to make people help you farm, there's gonna be a big fucking issue, so quit that. Um, and she's like, Well, I don't really want your guys' help. I kind of want to do it for me. It's something I care about, and I really, I really want to try. And he's like, I don't give a fuck, shut the fuck up. And she's like, Well, let me try a different tactic. So she's like, You guys have all these root vegetables that you love, and he's like, Yeah. And pretty big fans for sure. She's like, if you couldn't eat those ever again, how would you feel? He goes, I'd be really sad. She goes, That's why I need to farm. And that's farming for me. She goes, I miss potato. Yeah. So she's like, I have to farm because you would be upset if you could never eat this root vegetable again, and I'm gonna be upset if I can never eat a potato again. Surely she can just farm the root vegetable, right? Yeah, surely that would just be how you convince them. No, no, they don't want that. They don't want that. They don't want that. They just want to forage for the root vegetable. Yeah. Why don't you have they have generational farming trauma? Okay. And I hear that, and it's like so valid and whatnot, but like, surely I don't know. Surely culturally, they could be like, yeah, we're we're doing farming, but it's for us now and it's not for anybody else. No, it's gotta be. It's either um farming is for being enslaved and hunter-gathering is for being free. Yes. Sure. Um, so he's like, Well, I guess I would be upset if I can never have that vegetable again, so I will let you farm because I I I presume it's very important to you. There are two sheds that we used to use back when we were slaves on the edge of the former fields we used to use when we were slaves. You can set up any of your weird farming shit there. Okay. And she's like bet because she brought one bag of clothes and like five crates of farming equipment. Okay, that's too much. Which is like, that's crazy presumptuous, bitch. Um in the sheds, she sets up like a bunch of shit. She starts like seedlings, she does like mushroom grow kits. Um and she's just doing a Are they allowed to do mushroom grow kits, or is that also uh a traumatic? No, it's trauma. You can't touch dirt, you can't grow things. You can't touch dirt. Don't touch dirt, don't be a dirt digger derogatory. Um They live in they live in holes in the ground. Do they not? They they No, they have like houses that are built up. They just have like little cozy bowls of dirt that they that put their furs in. And how'd they get the ball? Don't ask questions! Shut up! Shut up! Okay, so. Where is Regene Abel from? Canada somewhere. Oh, okay. I believe. You can do some research. Okay. Um so she's inside the shed doing all this shit because her husband was like, you can do this, but do not do it outside. You're just gonna piss people off. Do all your work inside the shed. She's like, Bet. Inside the shed. Yeah. Um, and they're like, You're basically their new lizard queen, and digging in dirt is mad beneath you, so like you can't let people see you're digging in dirt. I agree. She's like, okay. Um the sister of her lizard husband comes out to the shed and is like, what's up, bitch? And she's like, Oh, like I'm just dirt digging. Um don't say that. That's not for you. And um, the sister's the main carpenter in the village, so she's like, Do you need me to do anything for you? And she's like, Yeah, could you get me some hooks to hang these grow bags for mushrooms? And can you build me some shelves for these seedlings? Um, and the sister is like, yeah, totally. Sounds good. Sister's very supportive. For sure. Um She sounds she should marry her. Susan starts working the fields, but in her 20-something odd crates of farming equipment she brought with her one bag of clothes, she brought a machine that tills the field for them. What? So this technically works around the whole dirt digger issue because she's not the one touching the dirt. Oh, because it's automate. It's kind of like a it's kind of like a roomba, but for tilling the field. Exactly. So this kind of like gets her around the whole like dirt digger derogical. She thinks they're stupid. Is what they're the ones who agree that she's not technically digging in the dirt. Like, no, look, if if someone if I were like, hey, don't like please don't vacuum up my house. I don't want you to do that for generational trauma reasons, and then they just put a roomba down. I wouldn't be like, got me with that one. I'd be like, you think I'm stupid. You think I'm dumb. But the lizards are the ones who are like, nah, she she's not touching the dirt. It's okay. She's not touching it, she's not working it. So they just need to get to like a level of technology that they can have like robots automatically do agriculture for them. It seems like it. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, so her husband rolls up on her and her little dirt digging, and it's like, hey, it's time for the big hunt. And she's like, already? And he's like, Yeah, I'm gonna be gone for a while. Like, don't do anything weird. Don't cause any problems, just stay out of it, bitch. Don't do anything weird. Yeah. You white bitch. Um, as he's getting ready for the hunt, he has started using technology left behind by the slavers to like better. Oh, and that's allowed, I suppose. To better, like, research where the herds are where the animals might be. Only he gets a little distracted when he's on the tablet and he starts looking up porn. Hell yes, dude. That's what it's for. And he he sees some weird um porn stuff and he has a lot of very hard opinions about it. Yeah, I bet. He's like, they put their penises in these bitches' butts, that's disgusting. That's pretty awesome for sure. Um, he sees tongue kissing. I guess they haven't kissed beyond like a little peck. I like that he gets like 11 minutes with an iPad and he's immediately like uh girl on girl kissing. Girl on girl big boob naked? Yeah. No, no, it doesn't even wait. He looks up herds for seven minutes before he starts looking up like humans having sexual relations. Um, he decides butt stuff is gross, tongue kissing is cool. Okay. Blowjobs seem awesome. My note is what man doesn't think that. I bet you think that. Um, and so after he Do you think he I'm sorry. No, it's okay. Do you think he thinks butt stuff is gross because people call it taking the dirt road? Jacey. What? That's racially insensitive too. In what way? Butt stuff is dirt digging? Yeah. Okay. You want you trying to dirt dig, baby? The lizard people are very communal. Okay. They hang out every night, they eat all their meals together, they're very like communist, kumbaya, we love each other, and we're always together, type shit. Everything they do is together. So he got himself too worked up, too bricked up from thinking about blow jobs, then he has to go to communal dinner. He's bricked at the dinner? He's bricked at the dinner. Um, and he gets too hot and bothered to be normal, and so he basically likes is kind of like a dick the whole time, and then like grabs Susan and like drags her away. Um Married couples, am I right? Uh he gets his blowy, nice, gets too excited about his blowy, shoves her head down, she chokes on it, he's like, Oh my god, I've hurt you again. And she's like, It's chill, like, don't worry about it. Oh, she likes it. She's like, she's like, Don't worry, uh, we're both learning. Which, like, that's super cool, but like, he's learning to be okay with you doing something you love and like not choking you, and you're learning how to change everything about yourself for lizard people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like this is not super equal. I don't know. It's equitable. Is is it equitable? I don't know. I didn't read the book. Oh my god. Um is it? Okay. So the lizard people have a kind of weekend system. They need two days of work and then they have a play day. Oh, oh, weekend. Yeah, what do you think I said? I thought you said weekend. Oh no, I just talk mushmouth. Mushmouth it a little bit. That's fine. I learned it from you. What? Um They have day of day of play. They have day of play, and it's just called play day. That's awesome. That's cute. Because they are like communal, yeah, they will break into different groups to go do different things. So, like, some will stay back and play games, some will work on songs and like do skits and shit. That's funny. Some will go to the beach, some will play sports, shit like that. Um, Susan and Olex go to the beach with the lizard youth. Okay. And a lot of the moms. Nice. Uh turns out the lizard people have gills. Oh, sick. But those gills only work for 30 minutes at a time. That's not how gills work. That's my set! That's not how I said I was like, not how gills work. Gills don't usually have like a time limit on how long that you can breathe with them. Not how gills work. That's the downside of gills is they're less uh they're less efficient than lungs. Yeah, but 30 minutes until they have to come up and breathe their normal style. You just have lungs. Wait a minute, they have gills, they can't even stay under under long. Like seals can stay underwater for like three hours. 30 minutes. That sucks. There are like humans right now that can do that. They're like those boat people that live off the coast of Thailand who can stay under for like 30 minutes. That sucks so bad, dude. They have the worst fucking gills. It's like their appendix. Get rid of those. Um they're doing shitty gill shit. They can do spins and shit, um, and they're all playing in the water. Um, they're having great fun with their 30 minutes at a time type show. Kind of gills just for doing a little play on the water. For splish plotching? Yeah, just for a little splish plot. She can't do anything with that bullshit. That's dumb. Oh my god. At the beach, Susan's like, wow, this sand is like a very strange color. I guess it's like black or brown or whatever. She's never been to Jamaica. Duh. She's on a different planet! Um, and again, this ties, this beach ties into their slavery trauma. The beach does? Yes. Oh, but they're allowed to play on the beach. Um I don't understand. I feel like I'm getting really close to coming across as like extremely racially insensitive. What I am trying to point out here is I do not understand what stuff they can't do as a result of their enslavement, and what stuff they're just like, oh, it's kind of just like it leaves like a bad taste in our mouth, but we we persevere. Yeah. So anyway, so this beach, it turns out their slavers used a lot of chemicals on the land, because you know, capitalism. For sure. And the the the chemicals they used ended up poisoning the soil and crystallizing it. And so the enslaved lizards would have to go and till the land and get all the crystal dirt out. Nice. And then they threw it onto this beach and it got crushed up. And that's what the sand is. The sand is crystallized dirt that was destroyed by Gotcha. Yeah. So, um, this beach and this crystallized sand is a symbol of the perseverance of the lizard people to survive. That's very beautiful. And I have no further thoughts. I feel like you're trying to I feel like you're trying to goad me into me, like, get them back in the field. Susan has an entire section where she's like, wow, the lizard people are so brave and they've endured so much and they're they're so strong. And my note is she's not wrong, but I don't know. Cause like like you said, it's kind of like, I don't you guys won't farm because of trauma, but also your people are systematically starving because. Yeah, they're doing like dances and stuff on the sand. They're like, oh, this is like a symbol for how hard. Okay, make growing crops a symbol for how hard you worked. Yeah, also it's like it's like surely if there's no one like being a slave driver that kind of takes the slavery issue out of it, because it's kind of like you guys are willingly dying out of I don't want to say stubbornness. But personally, if it was between being traumatized and dying, I'm gonna take a little trauma. This is a this um, so this does sort of have like historical precedent. I have been like laughing about it, but this does sort of have something in which is after the Haitian Revolution, um the post-colonial Haitian country that was kind of rising up, had a really hard time getting people to like go back to the fields and working, because they're like, yeah, that's kind of where I got like beat every day. I was kind of like made I was property there, I kind of don't want to do that again. And so what the the this like burgeoning Haitian country had to basically do was kind of like force field workers back to the fields and be like, okay, but this is for Haiti, right? This is for us now. We do this now, this is for us. There's no there there's no white people here to like profit from this. Uh I, the king of northern Haiti, kind of profit from this now. I will say, and I talk about this a little bit later, I think a lot of the lizard people are based off of Hawaiian people. Oh, really? Yeah, there's just kind of like a lot of parallels in like the Oh with like the sugar plantations. Yeah, the sugar plantations and like the way in which this like pristine land is just kind of like ripped out from under them. Yeah, okay. After trying to like um that makes sense, you know, force them to do something that just didn't work long term. And they kind of have gills. Hawaiian people do be breathing underwater for about 30 minutes at a time. Well, I mean, cause because like Polynesians are like amongst like the peoples that can like dive underwater for a really long time. Yeah. So I think they're vaguely Hawaiian coded. That's cool. But I think that it probably is a good combination of. And the root vegetable, that's tarot. JC's making connections with that speech. I'm making so many connections, dude. Oh, okay. So the big hunt we talked about is finally here. Okay. Uh Olex fucks off. Um, Susan is like, wow, look at these hunting parties. They're both male and female. That is so great. Look at the gender equality. Um, which I have a note that says that would be more powerful if it wasn't for the fact that she was from a matriarchal society, and therefore, why would equality be cool to you oppress those men? They don't need shit. Shut up. Next point. Um, okay. So the hunters are gone for at least three weeks. Okay. They're gone for a long fucking. What are they hunting? They're hunting like game. Oh, just game. Game. Do they have like alien animals they get to hunt? They're like, yeah, this is our this is our meat alien. They got like alien deer and really big pig that they're gonna put underground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do have a they're gonna wrap it in alien banana leaves. Yeah, when she her alien wedding had an alien pig roast. Oh, word? Word. That actually she had Kalua pigs. Something like that, yeah. That's awesome. Um so during those three weeks, not a lot happens. Um, but while cleaning out her boxes that were brought to her by her bird guy, uh, she found a special packet of seeds um that were left for her by the bird guy. Um they're a special insensitive of him. I know. Um, agriculture. Yeah, they have agricultural trauma, and he's just like, do it. Yeah, yeah, you should try No, stop, try growing, stop. Um, so apparently these berries are a special type of berries that are indigenous to the world which the primary tourists of this planet are from. Okay. The Taurus on this planet are referred to as refugees. No. But I'm like They've got the economic power here, so I don't know if I'd call them that. This might be owner. It seems like she's doing a combination of Hawaii and Haiti, because this is also something that happens in Haiti, which is that um uh there are a lot of Lebanese people in Haiti, but they come with like a lot of um with like more purchasing power than Haitians have, and so what ends up happening is they're able to like buy up a lot of land. They are refugees, but they have buying power that Haitians don't have. Yeah, well, so do these aliens. And so do these aliens. They're Lebanese. Um, so Marhaba. So Susan is looking at these berries, and it's like, hey, if I can grow these berries, I can sell them at the planet-wide market that happens every month at the space station where she got dropped off. Um, so she's like, this could help economically with the clan because okay, let's let's go into the let's do some economics here. Let's do some economics of the tribe. Nice. Okay, the tribe is not fundamentally a money exchanging group. They don't really have a currency. Okay. They've not really interested in a currency. Sure. However, when the colonialists set up their resorts, the clan people took their like native artwork knives, weaving, blah blah blah blah pottery to go sell at market. Okay. We're back to Hawaiians. We're back to Hawaiians. Okay. So this started the market every single month. That's fun. But the Taurus, nope, the resort people started also producing the shit that the A lizard people were making, but cheaper knockoffs. They're undercutting them. Yes. Gotcha. And so the lizard people don't have an income from the market, but because they are losing game, they are losing gathering shit, they won't farm. Their only option, if they don't want to die, is to purchase food, which is coming in at a marked-up rate because it's being brought in by the resorts. And so, in order to buy that food, they would have to sell things at market, which means they need more economic power than they currently have, but they aren't able to undercut the resorts, so they're kind of like just left here floating. Yeah, I've tried I've tried to buy uh one of those woven grass uh baskets at the Charleston market. You know, the ones where like you can tell that like one is woven by like a gulla woman because it's like $120, and then you're like, oh, like you produce this with a machine because it's $35. Yep. Um, so yeah. So she's Susan is like, I can grow these berries, bring them to the market, and sell them at a really high rate, which could economically help the tribe, because the tourists slash refugees of this planet are willing to pay like way too much money for these. These are like a delicacy to them. I like that she's just setting up a farmer's market. Just marked up agricultural products. So she's like looking at the seeds and she's like, How long will it take to grow them? It takes only three to four weeks. Only? That's how long it is until market. That's crazy. Uh huh. That's lucky. Um, okay, yeah. So wait, how's she gonna do the harvest? Oh my god. Um, she's gonna grow them inside. Um, don't worry. She's not going out to the fields. Um, she just starts growing these berries. Okay. It's going great. She's growing her berries, they're growing great. That's all we get for three weeks. Okay, she goes up to her mother-in-law before market and she goes, I'm gonna do some shit. I need you to roll with me. Like, are you gonna roll with me? And the mother-in-law's like, What are you doing? She's like, roll with me. I got your back. You gotta have mine. I'm doing this for the tribe, I'm with you. And the mother-in-law is like, fine, sure, whatever. The A is for ally. Um, the lizard hunting party gets back literally hours before the market. Um, so they were cutting it real fucking close. Uh, surprise, surprise, they didn't bring back much. Um, Olex is like really torn about this whole berry plan she's got going. So on the one hand, you dirt digger, derogatory. On the other hand, he doesn't want his wife to like fail. Oh, sure. Um, so he kind of is like, I don't like it, but I support her, but I'm worried about what this means. I'm having complicated feelings about this. He's got lots of feelings about berries. Um she's like, Don't worry, this is 100% gonna work. So at the market, she sets up. She like goes full marketing degree with this bitch. Okay. The rest of the clan like shoves all their shits on tables and like just like overfills them, and she's like bringing out tablecloths. She takes like the fanciest bowl from one of her clan members and places like four berries in it. The rest are all underneath her table in like chill boxes. Nice. Um, and she's like got signs that says like fresh pick this. She's doing marketing shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's creating a false sense of scarcity to drive the price up. I'm familiar. I don't know how I feel about that, but oh well. Um, so she tells the wealthy lizards, they come over and she's like, try one of my berries, and they do, and they're like, These are amazing. Um, and they're like, I'll give you 45 marks for these. And she's like, No, that's how much you pay for frozen berries that are shipped in. These are picked fresh this morning. I take no less than 70 per basket. Um she is just doing farmers market shit. How the farmers market. And all the lizards around her are like, what the fuck? Because like that's more than they charge for their like artwork that takes like days to produce. Um and she's like, but I got a deal for you. I'll let you take a whole tray of them home for like an insane amount of money, and I'll give you a coin, and you can use that coin to exchange with any of my tribe's members to get a piece of art from them. And all the tourists are like, Why would I do that? I already have something like it, and she's like, My mother-in-law will show you something cool. She pulls her mother-in-law out and she's like, Mother-in-law, tell them about the shit that they got on. They have this necklace that has shells. The mother-in-law is like, those are fake. And they're like, How do you know? She goes, Well, let me show you. And she pulls out a real one. She goes, The real ones will change color to match your clothes. What? They're magic shells. And they're magic shells. And yours won't. You have a knockoff, and Susan's like, Ooh, you have a knockoff? Like, I guess that's really upsetting that you probably aren't even able to like afford like the real ones. Like, that's I bet your husband's like, really, is he doing okay? And she's kind of like using these alien refugees' desire to appear wealthy and economically powerful to like trick them into buying a bunch of shit from her tribespeople. Oh, this is awesome. Um, so she gets these guys to like buy all of her fucking berries for like an insane amount of money, and she convinces them to buy the most expensive version of shit that her tribespeople have, and like the coin she gives them gets them like 70 marks off, not the whole thing. So, like, they're still feeling like they gotta deal with all the aliens are coming up to her, like, girl, I want some of your berries. Do you have these at the clan? She's like, I might, I'm thinking about setting up a shop there, and they're like, Can we put it in order? Like, we will come out to you and get them, like, we will pay top break. And she's like, ha ha ha ha ha. Um, there's a note in there that these berries are supposed to be really, really difficult to grow. And so the fact that she grew them so well and she had so many of them is actually a sign of how great she is at farming. Whatever. She's kind of the best at farming. Yeah. Uh back at the village, they'll go home. They sold a lot of shit, they sold out, they're doing great. Economically, they just crushed it. Hang on. Sorry, I'm I'm making more connections. Oh, the berries are coffee beans. Okay. Something that is not indigenous to Hawaii but grows very well, and also grows really well in Haiti. Um, they're blue, they're blue tart berries in this world. Oh, sure. Like uh not a blueberry, because they're like teal. Look, from what I understand, coffee cherries, you can eat those and they taste good. There we go. It's coffee cherries, everyone. Coffee cherries. We're all kind of the um We're the civic cats. That's what I was gonna say. We only eat the good ones and then they filter a poop. They eat our poops. Um, so they go back to their village, everyone's like fucking on it. They're like so excited because they came home with 4,000 marks, which is way more than they've ever had at any point in time in their like known history. And so she's excited, and everyone's excited, and to like really sell the like digging it dirt is fun. Um, she also goes out to her shed and grabs some fruits and vegetables she's been growing to use them to make a dish for the communal dinner. She makes like a mm sauteed mushroom side dish and like a kale salad. Ew, why are you growing kale? Yeah, why are you growing kale? There's so many better vegetables. It's a terrible way to convince somebody that agriculture is good. Yeah, seriously. Um so she has this dinner. Okay. Everyone else has like a bunch of shit. Like some of the hunters like cook some meat, and she's just she's just contributing. People go fucking buckwild for her mushrooms. Um, everyone's like, these are the best things in the world. She was I grew them, and they're like, Yeah, anyway, whatever. Um, she's like, I'm gonna send some mushrooms to some of our other clans that live around us that are having a hard time. And they're like, Okay, whatever. Um, but before she can get the mushrooms out, her husband wants to fuck. Um so she doesn't get to send the mushrooms out, which is kind of like you're undermining her entire agricultural goals here, bitch. Yeah, with your penis. With your lizard penis. Mm-mm-mm. Just like a man. God damn, he learned about a blowjob and now he's just like this. I like that he Yeah, he learns about a blowjob and he just turns into like a 21-year-old. I know. So the next morning, after she gets her shit pounded in, um, she goes out to the center of town and notices that everyone is working on arts and crafts. And for some reason she's really upset about this. She goes, I thought this would convince them to finally take up farming like I wanted. Instead, they're like modifying their crafts to like be more appealing to the tourists. Yeah, that's what they know how to do. Yeah, they don't know how to do the aggregate. I think that's fine. Um, but they embrace her farming, they just don't want to do it, which like, yeah, you got trauma. They build her a like really high-end luxury shop front. Oh, that's nice. To sell her berries. Sure. And they're like, we don't want to grow the berries, but we are but we are willing to work the shop for you and like manage it and like help you get things to market and like get the supplies you need, but we're not going in the field, bitch. They're inventing food lion. I think luxury, it's luxury, not food lion. They're inventing like whole foods. Okay, they're inventing whole foods. They're inventing whole foods. Um, so she's celebrating her beautiful little shop is up. Uh, she's got like orders that people are still requesting. All of a sudden, a hot human guy rolls up on the village in a little suit. He's part of the capitalist elitist former slavery bad guys. Okay. And clearly they sent a hot guy to try to like convince her. And Olux as the hot lizard guy is like, why isn't this hot human guy? Get away from my bitch. How does he know what a hot human Oh, because he's been watching porn. Yeah. Yeah. He's his porn addiction. Um He's in the he's in like the the Veld or whatever, hunting, and instead of hunting, he's he's watching like girl on girl bukaki. He knows exactly who all the porn stars are. Yeah, he knows their name. He's like, I recognize that tattoo. How come how come that guy looks like Owen Gray? Yeah, exactly. Um, so this human guy rolls up, he's like, Why is this hot guy here? Turns out we didn't learn about it because she wasn't thinking about it. Sure. But since they came back from market and when everyone got back from like the hunt, she started teaching everyone legalese. Okay. So the entire tribe, this poor, ignorant, primitive tribe, just learned about the international safeguard international intergalactic safeguard laws that were put in place by the Prime Mating Agency and the overall association, which they work under, which is, you know, essentially like a cultural safeguard, okay, native rights type of organization. Sure. Um, so this human is like, um, I uh am gonna buy your clan's lands and I'm gonna force you to sell them, and you can't stop me, and I'm gonna buy your fucking store, and like you can't do anything, and she's like, I'm not gonna sell you shit. Um but she's like, also, just in case you forgot, your company's been breaking intergalactic protectorate laws, and you were intentionally going against them, which you knew because you guys had lawyers, and we've already filed a claim with the International Intergalactic Protectorate Society or whatever. Um Hell yeah. Um serving Aaron Brokovich. Yeah, she's like, by the way, also you undermining and undercutting native arts and crafts at the market is a huge issue as well. So not only are you being fined for like abuse of nature, abuse of the clans, undercutting them and all this other shit, like you're gonna be fined at the wazoo. Get him. We don't have to do it or pay for anything, and we don't have to go to court for it because the protectorate agency actually is gonna pay for our lawyers, so fuck you, bitch. Got him. Got him with that one. So um she runs him off the land. She does turn to her husband, though, and she's like, he is kind of right. One of the points he made was that, like, you guys could be the breadbasket of the world type shit. She's like, he is right, like it would be great if we could farm. And the lizard guy's like, I'm not gonna fucking farm. She goes, I don't want you guys to farm, but we could bring people here who could farm. What? And he's like, I don't want that. I don't want any more people here who are like this oppressive corporate thing. And she's like, no, no, we don't have to bring in corporate people, we don't even have to bring in men, we could just bring in women. And he's like, he's like, Who the hell would you bring in? She goes, third daughters like me, who love farming but can't farm. What? Which I thought surely that's like a niche community. That's what I said. That's like, surely that's a very small community. I don't know what you're thinking. Third daughters. Yeah, and they're like who love farming. They're like Susan's like, don't worry, we're gonna bring in the psychic bird matchmaker to make sure that all the women who come here are doing it for the right reasons. I like that now she's inventing, you know, that system that like um Qatar and like the the United Arab Emirates have, where they're they like lure like Filipinos and Indians and Pakistanis and Bangladeshis to those countries to like do labor and then they like steal their passport so they can't return. They can't like leave, they have to just like keep doing labor. I like that she's just inventing that, but specifically for third daughters who like farming. They've she's like created this agency whose thing is that he like lures laborers to this country to do the farm work. I also like that like it's kind of suggesting that like we're gonna lure third daughters here to do the farm work, to utilize the fields while also finding them sexually compatible lizard dudes. Yeah, there's yeah, I mean I get I mean that's kind of in the same vein as like what these agencies in like Qatar and the UAE are kind of already doing, but like yeah Yeah, they're just uh they're gonna like they're gonna like rapidly build, they're they're gonna not know what to do with, they're gonna have like a huge tower that has no sewage, they have to like keep trucking out the poo-poo um just wait until they have the ski slope inside the clan hut. They're going to have like a huge problem with third daughters throwing themselves off of high balconies. Oh my god. Okay, anyway. It's just too dark. Yes, it's kind of a dark bit. It was a very dark bit. Anyway, so we get a final point that they wrap up. Okay. Do you remember how they were running out of food and gathering and shit? Well, I guess it only took her a year, but she finally went out with the gatherers to see what was going on. And I guess the They just they're just gathering in the same uh field. What are you talking about? She's out there and she notices a mushroom, and she's like, Oh, that looks like a woodier mushroom from home, and they're like, Don't go near it, it's poisonous, and she's like, Okay, cool, whatever. Uh, and then all of a sudden she sees more of these mushrooms, and then the lizard people kind of get a little like disoriented and start wandering around without picking up any of the fruits or vegetables they're walking by. Okay. And she's like, What the fuck? So she goes and picks one of these um mushrooms and wraps it up, and she goes back to the village and she knows as she starts to get a little woozy, she has a machine that can scan it and tell her what it is, of course. Um, and it's like a it's like a hallucinogenic mushroom. Sure. Which I guess affects the lizards faster than it affects her. For sure, yeah. So they're so like every time they go out to gather, they're getting high as fuck, and then coming back with nothing. Because they don't even notice it, yeah. Um, and the protectorate society comes down and looks at this mushroom and they're able to like pinpoint where it started to the land of another clan, and these are mushrooms that were genetically altered by the capitalist organization that runs the resorts. And so now not only is that resort being like fucking destroyed legally, they're also required to pay giant uh fines um to clean up these mushrooms and make the land habitable again for the animals and the lizards and shit. And sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. So that's awesome. Um uh the end, uh everything's going great, everyone's having a great time. The Qatari version of Filipinos are moving in. It's going great. Uh they're marrying lizards, they have their own separate human village. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Uh, and her and Olix have a baby which they named Geiko. I'm sorry, they named him what? Geiko. No, no, no. Uh what was their well what was their other the other name idea is Lazard? She she Alligator. She was like, it sounds like a lizard back home, and he goes, No, it's the name of the bird, but if the letters were all mixed up, because I think his name is like Kego or something. Shut up. Yeah. Oh other name ideas, um, Iguana. Um, yeah, just stuff like this. Basil basilisk. Gago. No, no, no, no, no. Anyway, they live happily ever after, and she's a nice red-head lady who has her nice Haitian-coated lizard boyfriend husband. Hawaiian. Who loves blowjobs. And he loves blowjobs. So that sounds like that seems like a really funny element to the story. Um, so that's uh you know how the implication that she's made here is that like, um, you know that meme that's like a really futuristic society, and then it's like um society of boomers could pronounce Chipotle. Um I like that she's done that, but for like Society of Men never learned about blowjobs. I did read the second one, which is How to Marry a Naga. Uh that that one, he I don't remember, I think he has one penis. I can't remember. Only one. I know. You know how I feel about snakes with only one penis. Yes. Um, she his semen has venom in that one, and she turns into a part snake and they have a baby snake. What? They have a baby snake. Whatever. Yeah. Is she also like a third daughter who's come here for like slavery? She is a number one hunter from her home region. Oh, sure. Her parents wanted her to be an academic, but she really liked going out to the field and hunting, but she hunts not for um like food, but for like population calling for destructive invasive species. It seems like she would have been really helpful in the lizard world. Because like she wouldn't have been distracted in the fields trying to do agriculture, she would have been out with the hunting party, and she would have noticed immediately, like, hey, uh, we're not gathering anything because of this weird mushroom. It wouldn't have taken her like a year to notice. Well, she's more capable. Um, she's more capable. Uh uh, shut up. She's like, Oh, I could have fixed this problem immediately. Yeah. Again, her husband ends up being a clan leader, because of course. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big snake guy. Clan with a C. Yeah. Yeah. This C this this um series sounds fun. I kinda I feel like I've been sounding mean on this, but I do think this sounds like a fun book series. I think it's really interesting. So the first one is very clearly like you walk into a store, you say, I need husband, and they are like, here is husband. The second one, she only ends up married by mistake because she violates an international treaty for a good reason. So the snake people are like, We don't want to kill you, but the only way to get out of killing you is for you to become one of us, so you have to get married. Nice. Sure. Um that'll happen. I haven't gotten through a lot of the third one yet, but that is like a we have to get married for like political alliances. Yeah. But the bird guy, the bird guy's a common character. He keeps showing up being like, I will match you up and tell you why you are a perfect match. They uh all the all these books end with them uh like rearranging the letters in his name. I don't remember what they yeah, this is Yaug. I don't remember what they name the snake baby. But he there's a snake baby. Kyogi. I don't I'll I'd have to look it up. Um, the snake baby. Our second character in this book, this is a totally tangent from our lizard man, because we're now on Tri Mary to Naga, is a wealthy, dark-skinned black woman who is formerly an Olympian for rhythmic gymnastics. Sure. Who becomes part snake and has a dark-skinned snake baby. Okay, so she's some what if Simone Biles had a better husband? Yeah! There you go. Yeah. Um, yeah, I guess. Um super fun. Uh really enjoying it. Uh Regina Abel's also super, super nice. Oh, really? I met her. She's great. I have one of the omnibuses upstairs. Oh, sure. Which has a lizard, bird, and snake in it. Ooh. Nice. How is um like compared because you read like a lot of these types. Um how is it because the the the monster erotica umbrella has like a lot of genres within it. Um you know, like you you you get like anywhere from like fantasy to like kind of in reality, dystopian. Um and then you know, you have this which is very distinctly sci-fi. Um do you have preferences within that? You prefer like sci-fi over dystopian versus fantasy or whatever? Sci-fi and fantasy are my favorites. Fantasy is nice because it's easy, it tends to be lighter. Sure. I like a fantasy that's kind of our world, but kind of not, like the Lizzie Strong books I always talk about, where like they have cell phones and like they have careers, but also like they live in a magical dome that was created based on a Lich's power that lives in a magical forest, and he's been around and he was actually a founder of the city. Sure. And then there's this one, which is like he's a snake, but a guy, but your husband, but also sometimes your enemy. Which is like, Yes! The only thing that could make it better is if they had a um language barrier. I love a language barrier trope. Do you really love it? That like first like Ice Planet Barbarians, where he's like trying to figure out what she's saying and he doesn't know what she says and what he's saying. I love that shit. No offense to Miss Ruby Dixon, who I uh feel a deep respect for. She keeps churning out them books. Um harsh work and I do think, uh because I've only read the first Ice Planet Barbarians, I do think it is a big cop out that she just like learns the language from by getting like flashed by the spaceship. She gets flashbanged, yeah. Yeah, she gets flashbanged into knowing his language. But to be fair, Emma Ham does something similar in the Deep Water series where the human girl Nope. Yes, the human girl gets the alien merman to learn the language by implanting something behind his ear. Boo. What do you want them to do? I I want them to have to learn each other's languages. I want them to speak in Creel or Pigeon. Um, that exists in January Bell's Accidental Alien Brides books. Yeah, I would assume. I think. Is is it explained? Oh, in the spider one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, by Tiffany Roberts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked that was an element of ensnared that I liked. Um In this one, is it explained why uh in I Married a Lizard Man, is it explained why Olux and Susan know the same language? Is that like a a remnant of enslavement? No, it's kind of like if you engage in the world market, you know common it's like DD language. Gotcha. It's kind of like how um like even though like a lot of places don't speak na English natively, they a lot a lot of places you'll go, especially if it's like a place with tourism, though like a lot of people will know at least some English. Well, it's also like a lot of these books when there is a common language like that, they don't call it English, they just do call it common. They they just we're we're speaking normal. So that way when you translate these books into Spanish or something, you're like, yeah, they speak normal. And they speak normal Spanish. They speak whatever I'm speaking. Yeah. I actually lied. January Bell's characters do not learn the language through knowledge and study, they learn it through an implant that has a delayed response. No, it's fun! Um, in the book that's about to come out, which is from the VRC series, which is the follow-up series from The Spider's Mate, they're getting ready to do The Hunter, which is about T-Lock, which is the green spider. Yes, yes, yes. And despite the fact that at the time his book comes around, everyone's been talking to humans in English for a handful of years, uh, he still never learned it, so he's gonna have to learn English in that book again, which is really exciting. I love I just read the Weaver and it was a lot of fun. So yeah, having a great time. My buddy and I had a buddy in college from Tunisia and he learned English by watching movies a lot. Um the uh there T Lock's just gonna do that. Yeah, he's gonna watch movies? Yeah, he's gonna he's gonna be like, wow, this movie The Gladiator is pretty sick. I do like when you have these like sci-fi ones, because like uh the spider's mate does not have access to human media. Sure. But accidental alien brides do. They patched in through comms and now they can watch movies on an alien planet. They're watching the gladiator. Yeah, and later on in a secondary series, which is called the Alien Games, uh the aliens engage in human society so much so that they start doing reality TV. Nice. The keeping up with the cars. They do like Survivor and like naked and afraid. Nice, nice, nice. For aliens. Naked and Afraid lends itself really well to Monster Erotica, I would imagine. I haven't read those ones yet. I want to finish accidental alien brides. Anyway, um, that was that was I married a lizard. Would you marry a lizard? Would I would I marry a lizard? No, you married the lizard. I think you would have a hard time marrying a lizard for sure. Why? They're self-lubricating lizucies. Well, presumably they don't have like butt cheeks, and I'm I'm big on butt cheeks. Well, they have tails. Yeah, I'm not attracted to tails. So the snake guy does talk about how he has a flat ass. Yeah, I don't see. Not for me, those snakes ain't for me. I like booty, I like hips, I like legs. You're like, what's the most curvaceous of all the aliens? Yeah, it would have to be like uh uh so I married a rhino. I married the biggest cheated up bitch. So I so I married a hippopotamus. I married the BBL aliens, yeah. Yeah, so I married a Brazilian. Shut up. Yeah, exactly. So I married Kim Kardashian. Are you calling her an alien? She feels like one to me sometimes. She has had like her experience of the world is so different from mine. Yeah, it's because she's Armenian. No, it's because she's like mega wealthy and she doesn't understand my like my life. Damn, dead ass. And that's so I married a lizard man. Yeah. Is it so I married or just I married? Oh, I'm I so I've been doing uh so I married an axe murderer. Yeah, yeah, actually you have been. You've been really bastardizing the title. I apologize. Apologize to our our our beautiful author. I apologize to our audience and I apologize to Regine Abel. Yes, thank you. Thank you. And have a good, y'all. You gotta say Aiden Lizard now. Beautiful Lady Lady Shake your Shake. Leave me alone, type share. So if I shake my dress, will you leave me alone, type shit? Put a one time for the one time.