Ep. 11 - Your Coffin Or Mine by Jacklyn Hyde

Do you ever ask, what Vlad the Impaler impaled your pussy? Well, does Chloe has the book for you! This week we have a self-circumcized vampire, JC's mildly offensive Romanian accent, more references to Morbius than any podcast needs, and alternative uses for Fenty body glitter.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

I'm sorry, what? What's up, JC? Hi. Hi. How you doing?

SPEAKER_03 0:20

And I'm JC here.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

That's JC.

SPEAKER_03 0:23

He's and you're Chloe.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

I'm Chloe, and you're JC, and this is cliterature. Uh, we're back. It's a Chloe episode. Uh Chloe's over here on the mic and on the Audacity and on the voice meter, you guys.

SPEAKER_03 0:39

And on the ones and twos.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Jace, there's so much technology for podcasting, and unfortunately, I am the Bill Gates in this partnership.

SPEAKER_03 0:47

And I get I get to be stupid now. I was I was having to like read and try to learn and do stuff, and now you have to read and learn and try to learn.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Now I have to read and and and do stuff.

SPEAKER_03 0:57

That's right. That's correct.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

So my young, dumb, and full of cumbugs.

SPEAKER_03 1:02

That's me. That's me now.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

What have you been reading?

SPEAKER_03 1:04

Uh I've been on kind of a noir kick lately.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Okay. Like a grandma.

SPEAKER_03 1:11

I mean, I do me and my grandma do talk about them. Yeah, me and my grandma do talk about them. That's cute. Together. Right. Um but so I recently read uh The Postman Only Rings Twice.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Sounds ominous.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

Um, it is ominous. I don't know why it's called that. I looked it up to be like, is this like a because it's written in like 1939 or 33 or it's written in like the 30s. Nice. So I was like, is this just like an old timey term that I don't understand? Like how I feel when I watch like Greece. Um and it's not. It turns out nobody really knows what it means, I think.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

Um it's an ominous threat from UPS about how they only ring your doorbell two times in quick succession before they run away and leave you a note that says try again later.

SPEAKER_03 1:56

Yeah, hey, if you don't come down, I'm gonna come fuck you.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Wrong. They're not fucking you. They're actually running away and keying your car simultaneously.

SPEAKER_03 2:05

Um but it's a it's it's a book about like a like a disaffected young-ish man who uh is like a drifter, and he starts an affair with this lady married to a Greek guy, and he's like, Your Greek husband is kind of nasty, and I think we should kill him. And she's like, Your penis is good enough that I agree with that sentiment.

SPEAKER_00 2:29

Um To be fair, to be fair, that was the only way out of a marriage in the 30s.

SPEAKER_03 2:34

You just had to kill your Greek husband with just like the most mid-dick you that like would wander into like your husband's gas station or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

It's a 50-50 shot on if a man's gonna abuse you and if the dick is slightly better, you gotta go up. You gotta keep going.

SPEAKER_03 2:48

That's trading up.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 2:50

Um, but so it's it's like pretty fun. Uh I I like it for because I like the um I mean we talk about like dirt bags so much. Like like male dirt bags.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

It's like 90% of our relationships.

SPEAKER_03 3:05

Yeah, it's it's 90% of what I like to talk about.

SPEAKER_00 3:07

Yeah, no, I know.

SPEAKER_03 3:08

Um, and this is just kind of a book about that, but in the third, like what if a guy in the 30s with it was a dirt bag? And I think that's fun.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

What an interesting question.

SPEAKER_03 3:17

Yeah. It turns out he like he like fucks a woman who raises cougars and he's like, can I have one?

SPEAKER_00 3:24

I mean, there's so many of those books from that time are really just about fuck boys, if you think about it.

SPEAKER_03 3:30

Oh, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Uh Greg Gatsby, that's just a collection of fuckboys. Uh uh Lady Chatterley's lover.

SPEAKER_03 3:36

Fuck boys.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

Dude, he's a fucking gardener. That's a dude on the side of the road with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, if I ever heard of one.

unknown 3:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:43

I mean, I guess like before cars, the only way to travel is on the side of the highway.

SPEAKER_00 3:48

We all came from fuckboys. Fuck this Neanderthal thing.

SPEAKER_03 3:52

From fuckboys we are born, and from fuckboys we shall return.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

When you get old enough to walk on the side of the road with your cigarette. Yeah, that's where we all end up. We we crave the fuck boy.

SPEAKER_03 4:02

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

My body yearns to fuck boy.

SPEAKER_03 4:05

My body yearns to be jerkback.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

I know, I know. God.

SPEAKER_03 4:09

What have you been reading?

SPEAKER_00 4:10

I've been reading so much. Uh, this month has been absolutely fucking killer for me in terms of books. Not to stunt on the hose, but I think I finished nine this month, so that's nothing to JC, but it's impressive to me.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Wolf, woof.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Wolf, wolf. Um, one I did read was I read King Cobra, which is the second of Isn't that a Kendrick Lamar song? No, that was King Kunta. Oh good job, white boy. You were almost there. Um King Cobra is book two in the Naga Bride series by Naomi Lucas.

SPEAKER_03 4:46

I don't think you can say that word.

SPEAKER_00 4:48

Naga? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:49

Naga is even with soft end. Not America Great Again.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Um, it is okay, okay. So let's give a rundown on this real quick, just so we can get the vibes. Okay. It is post-Earth inhabitation. Humans live in spaceships. They had to abandon Earth after they invited some aliens to come hang out with them, which attracted the attention of other evil aliens that essentially did like a human genocide, uh, and humans were forced to flee. They finally go back now that the world is slightly more inhabitable, only to find what? Big horny snake dudes? Um, I'm kind of obsessed. Uh the first one I was a little like, I don't know about this, because there was some heavy rapey undertones.

SPEAKER_01 5:33

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Uh there was a lot of like, I'm gonna give it to her even if she doesn't want it, and she says no, and that made me feel uh yucky. So I didn't love that. Uh, and I was a little unsure if I would continue reading them. Um, but the second one is uh called King Cobra, obviously.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

Uh and he is a consent king. He is a like vague BDSM king, he's much better than the first guy who is a pit viper. Um my big complaint with these books, and I talk about this all the time, I truly believe if you're gonna go with snake eye in a monster book, you have a moral obligation to give them two penises. If you give me a snake eye with one dick, that's not a snake guy.

SPEAKER_03 6:20

Who cares?

SPEAKER_00 6:21

That's just a malformed human.

SPEAKER_03 6:22

I don't care about that guy.

SPEAKER_00 6:23

Exactly. Where's my two dicks? This guy is kind of funny though. They're always huge, they always are snakes. They all clearly Pit Viper, King Cobra. She just released one called Cotton Mouth. They're all based on like real snakes that we see in the world, but like snakes no longer exist. So you'll get this like perspective from time to time in these books where like King Cobra, his name is Zaku in the books, is like, I found an ancient human manuscript where they talk about a king a type of snake called a King Cobra, which I suppose I look slightly like. And it's like, yeah, the book called King Cobra has you looking slightly like a king cobra.

SPEAKER_03 6:59

Every book has them, they have to like go on a on a on like an Odyssean journey to discover what type of snake they look like.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_03 7:05

They're going on it just happens in that one.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

It just it happens in most of them.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

They are doing this.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

No, no, they're going on an Odyssean journey to get pussy because here you go. You ready for the backstory on why this why this happened? Yes, yes, yes. The inciting incident to these snakes needing bitches is because all the snake ladies die when they give birth.

SPEAKER_03 7:24

Oh, sure. So the snake that doesn't happen to snakes normally.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

Snake ladies went on strike from having sex, but the snake Litistrata style. Yeah, but snake boys were too horny and they started having a mass societal issue of sexual assault.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

And so the snake ladies just up and fucked off to the other side of the planet, and we're like, if you try to follow us, we're gonna fucking kill you. So there's no snake ladies, but the snake dudes still want to fuck. And so they see like the human bitches and they're like, That'll do. That could work. So they all want they all want snake brides and they want to mate her, and they all have nests, and they all uh want bitches. Uh I think the next one is the boom slang.

SPEAKER_03 8:10

That's a snake.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

That's a snake.

SPEAKER_03 8:12

Uh yeah, there's but I mean it seems like it could be. Yeah, the next one is kind of the green mamba.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

I think that might be one of them. There's she just released the ninth one. Like I said, cotton mouth. The one before that was Yeah!

SPEAKER_03 8:27

Jesus Christ. There honestly so many.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

But but they seem to be getting they seem to be getting more and more consensual as they go on.

SPEAKER_03 8:35

So like learning consent from humans.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

Yeah, and I love Naomi Lucas. Um, as we know, I'm a big fan of the gargoyle, the gargoyle smut. Uh, and she actually has another book uh called uh what is it called? Like a gargoyle's delight.

SPEAKER_03 8:53

Oh sure.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

So good. It's not room, it's not Titan, but it's so good.

SPEAKER_03 8:59

I like the idea that like as the snakes are like establishing civilization, they're learning about consent. But like, who's did they find like the ancient texts that are like Sylvia Federici? No, because Angela Davis.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

No. No, because they realize that the snake women will die, and so essentially, if you were like a snake that sexually assaulted a lady snake, you were basically murdering her. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 9:24

So I don't like that, actually. That's that's not better.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

So it's it's not like they find the ancient text of consent, it's more like they recognize that like taking away consent is akin to murder. Uh as some might say, it's murder of of of bodily autonomy.

SPEAKER_03 9:40

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 9:41

You like that?

SPEAKER_03 9:42

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 9:42

That's a reference.

SPEAKER_03 9:43

I like the idea that the snakes are just like becoming performative men. They're in like snakes. Snakes have glasses. They're in they're in New Snake City and uh and they're they're wearing like snake beanies and uh holding uh bell hooks.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

Uh I did just see the the cotton mouth has a shaved side of his head with long blonde hair.

SPEAKER_03 10:04

Okay, so he is a performative guy.

SPEAKER_00 10:06

Exactly, exactly, exactly. The one before him, uh the book that came out like last year was called Titan Boa. Tit do you ever see the movie Prometheus?

SPEAKER_03 10:16

No, I've never seen the movie Prometheus. Are you serious? No, I've also never seen any of the aliens.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

Okay, well, in Prometheus, there's this big grey bald dude.

SPEAKER_03 10:23

Oh, sure. That's what Titan Boa. No, I've seen this.

SPEAKER_00 10:26

That's what Titan Boa looks like.

SPEAKER_03 10:27

Oh, so not high.

SPEAKER_00 10:29

No, he's mad fuckable.

SPEAKER_03 10:30

No one no one's ever been like, yeah, the bald, the bald, nasty looking dude from Prometheus is sexy and I want to fuck him. I would. No. I would smash.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

No, you wouldn't because he's bald. Smooth all over. It's a slip and slide of a weird body.

SPEAKER_03 10:47

A wink.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

A wink. He wasn't a twink, he was huge.

SPEAKER_03 10:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

It's a wunk.

SPEAKER_03 10:51

He's a blunk. What are we put what what what fucking book are we talking about? Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Today we are reading a book. Shut up. Today we are reading a book called Your Coffin or Mine. It is the first in a series called Monster Bay uh by Jacqueline Hyde. Uh-huh. Uh Jaclyn Hyde was originally attending Monster Erotica. She did have to drop out of the conference because of health reasons, which uh devastated by now that I started these books. Uh they are met her.

unknown 11:23

I could have met her.

SPEAKER_03 11:24

You could have been, she could be your best friend. She could come on the pot.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

We could come on the pot.

SPEAKER_03 11:29

Um we'd have to figure out how to add a third mic to this setup.

SPEAKER_00 11:32

God, don't make me do it. We're sharing one mic. Everyone gather around the central mic. It's like a fire now. Um, so when I first read this book, I'll be dead ass with you. I was not charmed by it. I was like, ooh, it's kind of like got these cheesy references. It's kind of like a little like, ooh, and then I started thinking about it. And I kind of am fucking obsessed now. I think these books encapsulate such a 2020s-esque vibe so shamelessly and so enthusiastically, you like can't help but stand. Like, are these things gonna be dated in 10 years? Oh my god, yeah. But they're gonna be such a perfect little like time capsule of what it was like to be online at this time.

SPEAKER_03 12:20

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

That it's kind of like I have to. I have to, I have to love it.

SPEAKER_03 12:24

Do you know what year this came out?

SPEAKER_00 12:25

This one came out in March of 2024.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

Okay. So That's a good time to be online for sure.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

Oh, it's not a bad, not a bad time. I kind of love it. There's some references here that are cringe, there's some terminology that is cringe. I'm currently reading the second one, I'll be like honest with you. Uh it gets worse. Uh, there's some meme references.

SPEAKER_03 12:46

Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

There's some celebrity references.

SPEAKER_03 12:49

Never age is weird. Never age is weird. You remember when the movie Black Panther came out? And by the time the movie came out, the meme they referenced heavily in the movie, all the memes they referenced in the movie were like extremely out of date. They were doing like what are those references.

SPEAKER_00 13:03

Okay, so this series is actually currently has a special edition that I believe is with Faye Crate, which is one of like the mini special edition romance books box. And at first I was like, huh. And now I'm like, wait a minute, maybe, because the second book, I told you about this in the car a while back. The second book on the back, it says, Can I pet that dog? And I'm like, this is already gonna be this is this is so dated, but I'm I'm kind of obsessed with it. I'm kind of obsessed. You know, I for my last for my last year, last year in like 2025, whatever year that was, my goal was I saw you check your calendar to see what year it is. I'm old. Um last year in 2025, my goal was to enthusi enthusiastically embrace cringe and embrace what I love without shame of looking goofy as fuck in like five years' time. And Jacqueline Hyde in these books has done the thing I have been trying for like 30 years to do, which is to not like worry about what others think and to not like be concerned about how it might be taken. It's just so it's so enthusiastically honest.

SPEAKER_03 14:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

That's fine. Anyway, you ready to to learn about this?

SPEAKER_03 14:14

I'm I'm very ready to learn about it.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Okay, okay, okay. So, JC. Yes, we've got uh three main characters here. Okay, okay, let me tell you about these bitches.

SPEAKER_03 14:23

What are their names?

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Thank you for setting me up, King. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 14:26

You're very welcome.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

Okay, King. We got Aubrey.

SPEAKER_03 14:30

Good name.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

Aubrey is a blonde, thin, white woman your favorite kind. From Atlanta.

SPEAKER_03 14:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

She's wealthy, she comes from a long line of wealthy people. She, at the beginning of the book, is just coming out of a really nasty breakup from her old fiance. Aubrey was married to this not married. Sorry. Aubrey was engaged to this guy, and his name is Charles, and they were gonna get married, and they're basically their family shoved them together because it would be a really good business deal. Um, but a couple of months before the wedding, she like walks in on Charles, and she's very important to note this many times throughout the book. Not only cheating on her with one person, but with two.

SPEAKER_03 15:12

Okay, so he's nasty.

SPEAKER_00 15:14

A guy and a girl.

SPEAKER_03 15:15

Oh, so he's bisexual. And nasty. He's nasty and bisexual.

SPEAKER_00 15:19

Yeah. Um, and she's so upset by this, she at the last minute changes this trip that was supposed to be too Tahiti to Wait, hang on.

SPEAKER_03 15:27

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

Okay, we're already stopping. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 15:31

I apologize. I'm sorry. She was engaged to a man from Atlanta and then was like, oh my god, he's bisexual.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

I know, right?

SPEAKER_03 15:38

Yeah, that's he's he's gonna be.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

Also, I think I don't remember if it's if he's topping or he's bottoming with the guy, but it she definitely makes note of it at some point in time and it's kind of like, okay, we don't like cheating, but we don't gotta be weird about who does what with each other's butt. Like, let's calm down there, girly pop.

SPEAKER_03 15:54

Let him live.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

Let him live. Um, and so in a moment of panic and stress, she changes her like romantic trip to Tahiti to a trip to Romania.

SPEAKER_03 16:07

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

So that's how we end up where she is. She doesn't really have a job. Her job throughout this entire book is that she wants to be a social media influencer, and you know how I feel about social media influences.

SPEAKER_03 16:18

You love them. You engage with them quite often. I hate it because I myself You're constantly in their comments going fire emoji, fire emoji.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Twin, twin, twin, twin, twin. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:27

Um you're like nice ass.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

I want to be a bookstagrammer influencer because I obviously have a lot of thoughts and feelings about like monster erotica and like romantic books. I've gotta be honest, y'all. I'm so sorry to out this and I'm gonna out myself here. I have a blonde husband, JC's over here, blonde. I do not like blondes.

SPEAKER_03 16:47

Okay. Sure. You're this is this is shocking and devastating.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

This is the exception that proves the rule.

SPEAKER_03 16:54

Me?

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Yeah. Because I like you. Well, sometimes. I mean, try not to rage bait me.

SPEAKER_03 17:01

This feels like this episode isn't for me.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

No, this entire podcast is for me, JC.

SPEAKER_03 17:06

I'm gonna set up a little recording that every like 25 seconds goes, oh sure. Then I'm gonna go upstairs.

SPEAKER_00 17:15

Okay, so that's our that's our main girl. Yes. Okay, our main boy is who do you think our main boy is?

SPEAKER_03 17:21

Is it I I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 17:23

Girl.

SPEAKER_03 17:24

Is it a vampire?

SPEAKER_00 17:25

Duh! It's called your coffin or mine! Okay, our main guy is Vlad Dracula.

SPEAKER_03 17:31

He's V Vlad like Vladimir Dracula?

SPEAKER_00 17:35

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:36

Hang on, like the historical figure.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

Yes, actually, there's quite a few references in here that it is the historical Vlad Dracula.

SPEAKER_03 17:43

Like Vla Vlad Dracula Yeah, like literally.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

You know that really famous portrait of him where he's got that little cunty mustache and hat? Literally. There's references to it.

SPEAKER_03 17:55

Okay, because he doesn't look like fuckable in that painting.

SPEAKER_00 17:58

Wrong. He's like No, he's map fuckable.

SPEAKER_03 18:01

He's like angular in a scary way.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

Haha, I know what else he could impale.

SPEAKER_03 18:06

Oh, ew.

SPEAKER_00 18:06

That's my pussy.

SPEAKER_03 18:07

No, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Uh so anyway, this is Vlad, Vlad Dracula. Uh he lives in.

SPEAKER_03 18:12

Is it Romani?

SPEAKER_00 18:14

It is.

SPEAKER_03 18:14

In a is it a castle?

SPEAKER_00 18:16

It is a castle.

SPEAKER_03 18:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

Uh he's been alive for 600 years.

SPEAKER_03 18:22

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 18:22

As one would be. Um, and he's kind of become very like uninterested in life, and so he's just like stopped eating for the past hundred years. Uh, which apparently doesn't kill a vampire. It just kind of dries him out, and so he looks like a really crusty old man.

SPEAKER_03 18:38

He's on he's on Tumblr posting about his executive dysfunction. I I don't have the motivation.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

Shut up. So, anyway, he's like in this castle for like a hundred years refusing to eat. He looks old and crusty. He looks like a 90-year-old wrinkly dude.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

He's grumpy, he's miserable, he's a pain in the ass.

SPEAKER_03 18:59

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

He has a bestie that lives with him.

SPEAKER_03 19:03

Is it Igor?

SPEAKER_00 19:04

No.

SPEAKER_03 19:05

Why would you say no like that? We're talking about Dracula.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

It's it's Doyle. Doyle is a very nice British man.

SPEAKER_03 19:12

Oh, Igor's Frankenstein.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

Yeah. Frankenstein isn't here yet.

SPEAKER_03 19:16

I'm so sorry. What do you mean he's not here? Yeah, sorry, that was that was shocking. That was a shock of my system. What do you mean yet?

SPEAKER_00 19:25

Don't worry, he's gonna show up. Um so Doyle is there. He is like uh Vlad's best friend. He's like, Vlad, you're being kind of a pussy about this, you're kind of being annoying. Uh and they're like, Yeah, okay, whatever. Now, important, all three.

SPEAKER_03 19:40

Can I ask more questions about Doyle? Okay, yeah, you can ask. He's a werewolf?

SPEAKER_00 19:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 19:47

Does he live forever?

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Yes. He's 300 years old.

SPEAKER_03 19:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:51

At this point in time. 340 or something.

SPEAKER_03 19:55

Okay, so this is kind of like when you're uh when you're in like your 20s and you have like a friend that's a little older than you, and they like hit that uh cap where they're not willing to go out anymore. But you're not there yet. So you're like, come on, man.

SPEAKER_00 20:08

Kinda, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:09

Nice. Okay, I'm familiar with this uh uh dynamic.

SPEAKER_00 20:13

Yeah, Doyle is like Vlad's uh caretaker.

SPEAKER_03 20:15

When your older friend starts being like, I hate life, I kinda want to kill myself.

SPEAKER_00 20:19

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, no, I'm still young and dumb and full of cum.

SPEAKER_03 20:23

You're like, no, we have to go to a shitty bar.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

Anyway, uh, some traits of Vlad and Doyle is that they are both entrepreneurs, unfortunately. What? They are bought into a company which is essentially like, I don't know, Tesla or something. Okay, so this is where I have to add in Frankenstein for context.

SPEAKER_03 20:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

Frankenstein in this world is Frank E Stein.

SPEAKER_03 20:46

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

The wealthiest man in the world.

SPEAKER_03 20:49

What does the E stand for?

SPEAKER_00 20:50

It just makes it Frankenstein. Frank E Stein. Uh, he is the wealthiest man in the world. He owns a company called Talbot.

SPEAKER_03 20:59

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 21:00

And they are all like major investors and therefore have billions of dollars.

SPEAKER_03 21:04

Okay. So this is this is kind of like if Hotel Transylvania, if instead of like uh they're all Adam Sandler and his piece of shit friends, they were like billionaires.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

So actually, that's an interesting place to transition here because uh Doyle's like, we gotta grind, we gotta do something new, we got all this space, we should turn this castle into a hotel.

SPEAKER_03 21:22

Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:24

Uh gonna Airbnb this bitch out.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

Vlad is like, I fucking hate that idea. I don't want you touching my ancestral home. Don't do that shit. Doyle's like, I'm gonna do it, and Vlad says don't, and then he does nothing to stop it, so Doyle just does it.

SPEAKER_03 21:38

It's ableism for you to ask him to stop.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

God, seriously. So the hotel construction is underway, and that is when we go back to Audrey and Aubury, Audrey, whatever. Um, and she touches down in Romania. Uh, on the way to Romania, her luggage got lost, so all she has is her carry-on bag, and she's like rolling hard and being miserable. Um She rolls up to the castle and she knocks on the door, and this old ass dude opens the door and is like, What do you fucking want? And she's like, Uh, I have a hotel reservation here. And he's like, What the fuck? And then Doyle comes to the door and is like, hey, you're a little early, but like we'll definitely take care of you. Like, don't trip. And so she gets settled in to the uh hotel.

SPEAKER_03 22:19

Oh, she does the thing that where like you show up early to the hotel and you're like, Do you have a room for me? And they're like, No, baby girl, it's 7 a.m.

SPEAKER_00 22:27

Well, she showed up like a week before it opened.

SPEAKER_03 22:30

Uh like before her reservation?

SPEAKER_00 22:32

No, like she was able to make a reservation before the hotel renovations were complete.

SPEAKER_03 22:37

Oh, that seems wrong.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

Right? I'm like, okay, you guys are maybe kind of bad at your job.

SPEAKER_03 22:41

It seems like we're having trouble with our system.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

Yeah, maybe you guys should plan better, I guess. They managed to find her a room and shove her in there, and Doyle's like, see, Vlad, now she's here and you can't do shit. And Vlad's like, fuck.

SPEAKER_03 22:56

I guess I have to I guess I have to fuck her.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

I guess I have to drink some blood bags because like otherwise I'll try to kill her. So he drinks blood bags and then he gets hot and sexy, and he looks approximately like in his like early 30s.

unknown 23:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

He's like a hot, a hot guy. They actually say who he looks like in this book. So Vlad is hot and poppin', he's looking 30, he's doing hot shit.

SPEAKER_03 23:20

Wait, who I'm sorry, who is the celebrity they said he looks like?

SPEAKER_00 23:22

You really want me to dig through and find it?

SPEAKER_03 23:24

No, no, no, no, no. If you don't have it, like if you don't have it if you're not prepared. I was l I mean like that's fine.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

Uh fuck, I can't find it. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_03 23:38

You couldn't find it.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

No, I'm sorry, I couldn't find it.

SPEAKER_03 23:40

Uh is it Luke Evans? He was he was uh Dracula in that one movie.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

Hey, Luke Evans, but if Luke Evans was like more effeminate, more delicate.

SPEAKER_03 23:50

Is that feasible?

SPEAKER_00 23:52

Yeah. I'll find it. I'll I'll find him. He looks like an I'll I'll add him to the Make it the thumbnail. I'll make it the thumbnail, don't worry. I'll I'll make something goofy with him.

SPEAKER_03 24:01

Um fuck.

SPEAKER_00 24:02

So he's young, dumb, full of calm, and he looks like insert name here.

SPEAKER_03 24:06

He looks like somebody.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

He looks like some he looks like a person, I guess. And whatever. He's hot.

SPEAKER_03 24:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

Aubrey wakes up the next day. And the castle is hot as hell. So she is big sweaty. She runs outside her room. She's like, what the fuck? Why is the castle so hot? And Doyle, who is in no fucking uh subtlety, is like, oh sorry, I just didn't know how warm like humans need it. She's like, what? He's like, huh? And then she goes to the kitchen, only they don't have a chef yet because no one's supposed to be there yet. So hot young Vlad is there to cook breakfast.

SPEAKER_03 24:42

Oh, he's about to cook it up.

SPEAKER_00 24:43

Yeah, and he cooks up some blood sausage.

SPEAKER_03 24:46

Oh, sh sure.

SPEAKER_00 24:47

And she's like, This is disgusting. And he responds by being a dick.

SPEAKER_03 24:52

What kind of blood is it? Is it like human blood?

SPEAKER_00 24:54

It's like it's like a uh black sausage.

SPEAKER_03 24:56

Like no, like I'm familiar, but is he using human blood? No, he's just making he's making regular He's just doing this for what, like like aesthetic consistency?

SPEAKER_00 25:05

I I guess. I don't know. He's like, this is what used to be really popular back when I was younger. It's like, yeah, 600 years ago? Okay.

SPEAKER_03 25:12

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 25:13

Sure. Um, and so she's like, no, I want eggs. So he goes back to the kitchen and makes eggs, and Doyle's like, Why are you talking to her? You shouldn't be talking to her, and he's like, I'm gonna do whatever I want, it's my castle. And then he comes and brings her eggs, and then he notices that she is sweated through all of her clothes, and her shirt is now see-through.

SPEAKER_03 25:30

Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah. Love when that happens.

SPEAKER_00 25:32

He starts yelling at her because he like zeroes in on her nipples through the shirt. Nice. And is like, your fucking nipples are showing, you look like a slut. Look at your fucking nipples all nippling out. You're just too nippy. I'm just distracted by your nipples. How do you expect anyone to get around you with your nipples?

SPEAKER_03 25:52

To be fair, if I was at a continental breakfast and the woman at the table next to me was like, her shirt was soaked through so such that I could see her nipples, I would be like, girl.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

I'd be like, girl, you're kind of gross, go take a shower, but like other than that, like you can't distract me from a continental breakfast. I love them.

SPEAKER_03 26:12

I love their lightly stale muffins.

SPEAKER_00 26:15

Oh, and their dry eggs. I want to be able to cut eggs. Oh, I love powdered eggs. Um, anyway, so he's like, fucking go get change. You can't be walking around here with all your titties out. And she gets in his face. She's like, How dare you tell me what to do? You're just a man, you're not important to me, and she like storms off. And Vlad's like, uh, she's got a little bit of fire in her, and her tits are delightful. So he's like down bad for her now.

SPEAKER_03 26:41

Okay. Oh, he wasn't before. I guess she's like a thin, hot woman, and he was like, Now that I've like seen her nipples and body, yeah, I guess I'm sexually attracted to her.

SPEAKER_00 26:52

I guess it takes nipples. He's canonically a nipple guy now.

SPEAKER_03 26:55

He's a nipple guy.

SPEAKER_00 26:56

He's a little nipply with it. Um, so he's so distracted by her nipples, he's like, we have to go into town and we have to get you fucking clothes. So he drives her in a car to town. Doesn't seem like it's appropriate for a hotel staff to do, but whatever.

SPEAKER_03 27:12

I've I've been driven places by like a member of a hotel staff in a car.

SPEAKER_00 27:17

To a shop because they want to take you shopping?

SPEAKER_03 27:20

To a shop, no. Mostly to the airport.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

That doesn't count.

SPEAKER_03 27:23

Um, I have been like taken by like hotel staff in a shuttle to wait, we got taken when in Vietnam. We were uh a guy drove us from Huey to Hoyan.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

Yeah, that was weird though.

SPEAKER_03 27:36

It was a little weird. And I guess it wasn't in a car, it was in like a it was in like a big van.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

It also wasn't after he yelled at us about seeing my nipples.

SPEAKER_03 27:44

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_00 27:45

I guess if he had seen your nipples, that would make it a- if he was like being horny at me maliciously about my nipples, maliciously horny.

SPEAKER_03 27:52

Yeah, that would be pretty fucked.

SPEAKER_00 27:53

Yeah, that'd be pretty fucked. Uh so he takes her shopping, they go get some clothes. I don't know what type of fucking store this is because she tries on a dress and she's like, it's like a sexier version of Elvira's dress. Girl that's lingerie.

SPEAKER_03 28:04

Black dress.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

Well, Elvira's dress is not just black, it's also low-cut as all fuck.

SPEAKER_03 28:10

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Yeah, so that's lingerie, baby girl.

SPEAKER_03 28:12

I at that point, yes. Um it's just a different nipple dress.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

Yeah. Uh it's uh whatever. Um, she like feels kind of weird about it. Vlad's like, let me see. And uh she's like, I feel gross. He's like, You look so good.

SPEAKER_03 28:29

This is kind of what most interactions with Airbnb hosts feel like to me. It's like it's uh it's like uncomfortable, it's a little pushy.

SPEAKER_00 28:37

It's a little sexually uh tense.

SPEAKER_03 28:39

Yeah, it's it's like lightly sexually tense in a way I don't care for.

SPEAKER_00 28:43

Oh my god. No, it's not. Um anyway, this uh boutique, like everything in this fucking world, somehow was owned by Frank Estein. Um, and so he's like, just charge it to my account, Frank will know what to do. And he ends up buying her like so many clothes, like leggings and sweatshirts, and a red thong.

SPEAKER_03 29:02

He buys her a red thong.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

Yes, that's not appropriate for you as a hotel manager to do.

SPEAKER_03 29:08

This feels like um, you know that one episode of The Bear where uh the piece of shit cousin uh gets like an internship with that other restaurant, and they're like, we have to do anything for the for the client. We have to do anything for the customer. Yeah. Um, this feels like like a hotel version of the bear. He's like, With if she wants a thong, you better buy her a thong.

SPEAKER_00 29:32

If she wants you to to talk about her nipples, you better talk about her nipples. You better look at her nipples. Oh my god. Um, so on the way back home, uh uh it's snowing and it looks really cute, and uh that it's it's real uh atmospheric and they end up smooching because he's just too attracted to her, and he looks like a hot young guy, and so she's attracted to him. And then she makes him stop because she wants to take pictures of the castle and they have a snow fight and snowball fight and they start smooching again.

SPEAKER_03 29:59

I'm sorry. Can I ask a quick question about this?

SPEAKER_00 30:01

I would love for you to ask a quick question.

SPEAKER_03 30:03

Does she have no questions about the fact that a 90-year-old man answered the door and then when he came back down, he like went upstairs for a second, and when he came back downstairs, he was 30 and looked like uh a more feminine Luke Evans.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

She just doesn't care where the old man is.

SPEAKER_03 30:18

Oh, she she thinks it's a different person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the old man has just been sequestered away upstairs, never to be seen again.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

That's what you do with old people.

SPEAKER_03 30:25

Yeah. She's like, Yeah, you kind of sequester them away forever and nobody sees them.

SPEAKER_00 30:31

No, I agree. No, dead ass.

SPEAKER_03 30:34

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 30:34

Yeah, no, you forgot about that? Yeah, sequester them old bitches, keep them away. Um so they do some smoochies after their snowball fight, uh, and they get back to the hotel, and he's kind of still a bitch, and then he's like talking to Doyle, and Doyle's like, Oh, you like her? And he goes, Yeah, I guess like she's like fun or whatever. And he's like, Yeah, but she doesn't like seem to like me beyond like smooching. And Doyle's like, Maybe you could try being fucking nice. And he's like, Wow, that's an insane concept.

SPEAKER_03 31:03

Whoa, hang on a minute there.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

Yeah, basically, he's like, That's a crazy concept. Maybe I will. Um so they go back to the hotel, Aubrey's all ready to get uh like cleaned up and not sweaty and disgusting. Yes, only there is no hot water in her room because the hotel is under construction.

SPEAKER_03 31:21

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

So she goes out to go look for uh Doyle, uh, only she hears piano being played, and she runs into the flat and he's playing the piano and he's like, Come over here.

SPEAKER_03 31:33

Yeah, that's kind of the sexiest instrument.

SPEAKER_00 31:36

I think a banjo could be sexy.

SPEAKER_03 31:38

No, it's not a very sexy instrument.

SPEAKER_00 31:41

No, no, no, no, no, no. It can be sexy, it can be sexy.

SPEAKER_03 31:43

No, in order, it goes piano, uh uh acoustic guitar, trombone.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

It's the ones you play.

SPEAKER_03 31:53

Electric bass guitar.

SPEAKER_00 31:54

No, no, no, no, uh, hand spoons, number one. No, that's two, uh uh banjo. Uh three, uh probably the accordion.

SPEAKER_03 32:06

The accordion?

SPEAKER_00 32:07

Yeah, that thing fucks.

SPEAKER_03 32:09

No. First of all, if you're going if we're going like old timey French instruments, it's the Hertie Gertie. Hardy Gertie's way sexier than that.

SPEAKER_00 32:16

There's a Hardy Gertie museum in uh Dublin.

SPEAKER_03 32:19

I know.

SPEAKER_00 32:20

Okay, okay, okay, shut up.

SPEAKER_03 32:22

Shut up.

SPEAKER_00 32:22

Uh okay, so she walks in on him playing the sexy piano and she's like, oh my god, I love piano. Me and my grandma used to play piano all the time. He like scoots over, he's like, Yeah, would you want to play something for me? Show me your favorite song. And she ends up playing the song from the movie Big.

SPEAKER_03 32:39

Like chopsticks?

SPEAKER_00 32:40

I guess. And then she ends up explaining the entire plot of the movie Big.

SPEAKER_03 32:44

Weird movie to explain the plot. He's like, wait, and then the little boy fucks the adult woman.

SPEAKER_00 32:50

Yeah, they she literally like explains the entire plot of Big, and he's like, that is crazy.

SPEAKER_03 32:57

Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna na now I heard the what the accent sounds like in my voice, and I think we gotta put the kibosh on the Romanian accent. It's bad, it's not good, and we can't do it anymore.

SPEAKER_00 33:10

Um, so uh after this, after she explains the movie big, but they end up smooching again.

SPEAKER_03 33:16

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 33:16

Of course, as one does, it's a very romantic movie.

SPEAKER_03 33:20

He's like, you're kind of a child in an adult body to me. I'm 600 years old. You're kind of Tom Hanks to me. Uh, whoever the woman in big is, I don't remember what the actress is.

SPEAKER_00 33:32

Devastating. So they end up smooching.

SPEAKER_03 33:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

He flips this bitch upside down.

SPEAKER_03 33:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 33:37

Rips her leggings open that she just bought her.

SPEAKER_03 33:40

Yeah, he just bought her those.

SPEAKER_00 33:41

And then goes crazy on the pussy.

SPEAKER_03 33:42

Nice, nice, nice. That's the way you do that.

SPEAKER_00 33:46

Um uh she over here, nutting crazy style. Doyle's at the door, like, uh, dinner's ready.

SPEAKER_03 33:52

Doyle, how about you stop listening in?

SPEAKER_00 33:54

Doyle's a werewolf, he's got intense hearing.

SPEAKER_03 33:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 33:57

He can hear everything.

SPEAKER_03 33:58

Don't listen. Freak.

SPEAKER_00 34:00

He can't. What's he gonna do?

SPEAKER_03 34:02

What's Doyle gonna do?

SPEAKER_00 34:03

He's got wolf earring. He can hear everything.

SPEAKER_03 34:05

Put cotton in your ears or something.

SPEAKER_00 34:07

In Romania? You think that's a very abundant crop in Romania?

SPEAKER_03 34:10

I don't know. Surely they have some form of uh uh of soft cloth you can put in your ears to stop your health self from hearing uh beautiful and passionate love making.

SPEAKER_00 34:21

Between the big characters.

SPEAKER_03 34:24

Yeah, between the characters of big.

SPEAKER_00 34:28

Between the big characters. Um, okay. So at dinner, they all have dinner together all the time because they're like a weird fucked up family now. Nice. Uh the vibes are crazy. Uh Doyle is trying to figure out how to get the hotel more popular and off the ground, because for some reason Doyle is incredibly dedicated to making this hotel haltel work.

SPEAKER_03 34:46

Vlad, we gotta we gotta work on our SEO.

SPEAKER_00 34:49

Yeah, he's like very dedicated to making this work. And because Aubrey is like a wealthy girl who believes she's intelligent, um, she's like, oh my god, you guys should do like a cosplay.

SPEAKER_03 35:00

You should not do a cosplay.

SPEAKER_00 35:02

You should do like a cosplay. You should have like a cosplay event at the hotel. Like, what if this this hotel like is totally looks like it would be like Dracula's castle. So you guys should do like a Dracula immersive experience.

SPEAKER_03 35:12

Although I guess if if they like want just like free flowing, uh um expendable wealth, they should just run like a furry convention.

SPEAKER_00 35:23

Who needs a flat Dracula experience in Romania when you could have a 24-7 furry convention?

SPEAKER_03 35:28

Yeah, just like throw a furry convention, make it kind of make it kind of furry stuff. I don't know what furry's like other than um fursuits and furry anime? Yeah, people who draw there there's another one, make it an anime convention.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

People who draw your fursona.

SPEAKER_03 35:42

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:43

All those artists that went to art school that can't get a job now, and now they just draw fursonas on Etsy.

SPEAKER_03 35:48

Yeah, yeah. You can just do like constant conferences for these. That's from what I understand, this is constant money.

SPEAKER_00 35:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:55

Just cash money day in, day out.

SPEAKER_00 35:56

Because you know who always has a lot of money?

SPEAKER_03 35:59

Furries for some reason.

SPEAKER_00 36:00

They always do. The fursuit's so expensive.

SPEAKER_03 36:04

Which surely that's like wiping them out expendable wealth-wise, right?

SPEAKER_00 36:08

You would think so, but I think most of them are like on the upper echelon of like tech and banking and shit like that.

SPEAKER_03 36:14

So they just have they're they're like, it's it was so much money to get this fursuit, and I still have more.

SPEAKER_00 36:19

To be fair, I mean, Elon Musk is a furry.

SPEAKER_03 36:23

Is he? Is he? I thought I thought he was a diaper baby.

SPEAKER_00 36:25

I think he's a furry too.

SPEAKER_03 36:27

Gross.

SPEAKER_00 36:27

He's all the nastiest things combined together.

SPEAKER_03 36:29

He's all the nastiest things.

SPEAKER_00 36:31

He's a neglectful furry father.

SPEAKER_03 36:33

I would love for this book to take like a hard turn into the rest of the book is Aubrey and Doyle trying to explain what a furry is to Dracula. He's like, so they're werewolves? And they're like, no, no, no. They just dress up like wolves and foxes and stuff. And he's like, but they're not like real monsters. And they're like, no, they're humans in there.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

Yeah, that would be great. It's a furry furry hotel. We're trademarking it, that's ours.

SPEAKER_03 36:57

That's furry hotel. That's mine.

SPEAKER_00 36:58

We can't have it. Um, so anyway, uh, Aubrey's like, you should tell you to a cosplay hotel. And Doyle's like, that's an amazing idea. And Vlad's like, anyway, there's cold water in your room. You should come back to my room, bitch, and take a bath in my bathtub.

SPEAKER_03 37:10

Shut up, shut the fuck up about this hotel shit and come fuck me.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

He's hustling for the pussy, not the money. Um Aubrey's in the bath.

SPEAKER_03 37:22

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 37:23

Vlad gets his first cell phone.

SPEAKER_03 37:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

While she's in the bath, he's looking her up on social media and social media stalking her.

SPEAKER_03 37:30

Wait, he's just like, he's got Instagram for the first time.

SPEAKER_00 37:33

Yes!

SPEAKER_03 37:34

That means he's got like that weird Instagram algorithm that they like first give you because they don't know what you like yet. So it's just it's just like constantly like a combination of like um booty models and like those weird videos that like made by Indian dudes.

SPEAKER_00 37:49

Yeah, no, I know what you're talking about. I know what you're talking about. That the people that are always like, hey, why is my uh algorithm always showing me young teens dancing? It's like, oh, either you're brand new or you really like young teens dancing.

SPEAKER_03 38:01

He's doing the he's he's like finding out like old drama. He's like, oh my god, these Indian guys are making a house with like entirely primitive tools. Wait, they're not? This is a this is a lie. It's a deep cut. It's a deep cut. Cut this if nobody gets it.

SPEAKER_00 38:21

Um, so anyway, he is like on her social media page and he like finds pictures of her like ex-boyfriend, and he's like, she does not deserve her, and that is probably why she's so hesitant. And it's like, I don't know if she's been hesitant, you've been eating her pussy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:35

Um eating her pussy pretty regularly.

SPEAKER_00 38:38

So he eventually decides to go check out how she's doing in the bath and she is uh naked.

SPEAKER_03 38:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's wearing her swimsuit.

SPEAKER_00 38:47

And Vlad gets too hot and horny from this.

SPEAKER_03 38:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:50

Uh, and uh kind of goes up to her in the bathtub and it's like, hey, what's up, girl? You can't see, but I just did some crazy shit with my tongue to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_03 38:57

Yeah, you did you did tongue stuff.

SPEAKER_00 38:59

I did tongue stuff. Uh and then they uh fuck.

SPEAKER_03 39:03

Yeah. Uh in the tub?

SPEAKER_00 39:05

I don't know. They get to the bathroom eventually.

SPEAKER_03 39:06

Rub a dub dub have sex in the tub.

SPEAKER_00 39:08

That'd be hard. I agree. Anyway, so they so they they fuck. Uh and after they fuck all night long.

SPEAKER_03 39:18

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

All night long, because he hasn't had sex in at least 300 years.

SPEAKER_03 39:22

Yeah, that my understanding is that's not how that usually works. It it's it should be more like he like blows the back out of her cervix and then in like 0.2 seconds, and then it's oh I'm done!

SPEAKER_00 39:36

I thought you were done with the Romanian accent.

SPEAKER_03 39:38

I I didn't mean to do it. I'm I'm like Austin Butler, it's part of my voice.

unknown 39:43

No!

SPEAKER_00 39:44

Anyway, we get a really nice description of uh Vlad Dracula's penis. Uh you ready for this quote?

SPEAKER_03 39:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 39:51

It's bigger than my wrist with thick veins and a large mushroom head.

SPEAKER_03 39:59

Well, that's weird.

SPEAKER_00 40:00

What? You don't like that?

SPEAKER_03 40:02

He's like a bulbous penis head. Wait, is is Dracula circumcised? Hang on. That's weird.

SPEAKER_00 40:08

He chewed off his own forest.

SPEAKER_03 40:13

That's from my that's from my Jewish phase.

SPEAKER_00 40:16

Yeah, my Jewish phase.

SPEAKER_03 40:17

Yeah, well, he's he's like 600 years old. He's experimented with all the religions.

SPEAKER_00 40:22

Just started doing all the things he needed for him.

SPEAKER_03 40:24

Yeah, well, he started like Orthodox or whatever. Or whatever. Because he was he was Ottoman, so he of course tried Islam, and then he chewed off his foreskin for Judaism. And nowadays he's Baha'i.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

Yeah, no, that would be about how it worked. You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.

SPEAKER_03 40:44

Uh in the 2000s, you had a very brief fling, sort of with Judaism again, but with like specifically with Kabbalah.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

Madonna did it, so he had to describe it.

SPEAKER_03 40:52

Madonna did it.

SPEAKER_00 40:54

Um so anyway, um, the bonal knight she describes as uh uh the knight as the dickening.

SPEAKER_03 41:04

Gross.

SPEAKER_00 41:04

And she says that her pussy feels like it's been sent through a meat grinder.

SPEAKER_03 41:09

Oh, you don't want your pussy to feel like that.

SPEAKER_00 41:11

That doesn't feel particularly erotic.

SPEAKER_03 41:14

No. As a as somebody who does grind meat, I don't want that for any part of my body.

SPEAKER_00 41:20

Pussy sausage? Anyway, anyway. Anyway, hello. So she wakes up in the morning, she's talking about after the dickening, and she notices that like Vlad's sleeping next to her, but he's not breathing. And so she freaks out, she's trying to wake him up. She's doing CP off. Yeah, she does. And then he like sits up and he's like, Oh, sorry, I'm just like a really shallow breather. And she's like, You didn't have a heartbeat and you weren't breathing, and he goes, Oh no, like check, like, I totally have a heartbeat. And he uh was able to force his heart to beat, which is like, didn't know that was a vampire power.

SPEAKER_02 41:50

Thought it was gonna be like she puts his puts her head against his chest and he starts with his mouth going, see?

SPEAKER_00 41:58

Oh my god. Okay. After breakfast, uh they go to the woods, they run around and chase each other. Aubrey falls and gets a boo-boo. Vlad's like, oh no, I'm either gonna suck her blood or I'm gonna fuck her. So he chooses fuck. Fuck her.

SPEAKER_03 42:14

Yeah, I guess of those two, that one's probably better.

SPEAKER_00 42:16

Uh he goes back inside to get under control of his desire to eat her, and she wanders around the castle. This is when we get a really interesting, uh, interesting to me as a historian. She's talking to her friend Bernadette. Bernadette's like, I don't know, sounds like he might be a vampire. And she's like, You're crazy, Bernadette. Um, but she's wandering around the castle, and that's when she comes across like Bernadette's a freak.

SPEAKER_03 42:35

Bernadette doesn't know that vampires exist. She's just like saying that.

SPEAKER_00 42:39

She referen she asks if if if she's like, he sounds like a vampire, and Aubrey's like, I don't think so. And Bernadette's like, well, does his dick sparkle? It's a Twilight reference.

SPEAKER_03 42:49

Um Like in Twilight.

SPEAKER_00 42:51

Like in Twilight.

SPEAKER_03 42:53

Does his dick sparkle? He's been jacking off with Fenty body glitter.

SPEAKER_00 43:00

I'm like, shut up.

SPEAKER_03 43:03

It's trying to last longer.

SPEAKER_00 43:04

It's a really expensive lubricant. Yeah. Um, anyway, so this is when she comes across the picture that is vaguely of actual like Vladimir Dracula or whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01 43:15

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 43:16

Where they're like, he's got a big mustache and a weird hat on, and he looks very stern. But then do you remember these Turkish clothes?

SPEAKER_03 43:23

Are you doing cultural appropriation?

SPEAKER_00 43:25

When he gets weirder. Do you remember when I showed you Bram Stoker's Dracula?

SPEAKER_03 43:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 43:30

With my favorite hot boy, Gary Oldman, as Dracula.

SPEAKER_03 43:33

And then he's got the little glasses in the top hat.

SPEAKER_00 43:35

And do you remember the armor he wears? It's like the old red with like a dragon on it.

SPEAKER_03 43:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 43:39

They talk about that armor too. They're like, he's also wearing that. And I'm like, Dracula. He's all Dracula simultaneously, like, okay, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 43:48

Um yeah, he's Morbius.

SPEAKER_00 43:53

He's all Dracula's. All Dracula's that have ever existed simultaneously existing in this way. It's I guess it's like those reflective pictures where you change the Angle and it changes how it looks.

SPEAKER_03 44:01

It's dra cool, it's Draculan time.

SPEAKER_00 44:04

I guess. Um, uh, cool, whatever. Uh, anyway, she's down in the kitchen. Uh Vlad comes in, uh, she's doing whatever, they're chit-chatting, and then her phone starts ringing, and it's her ex-boyfriend who's been begging to get her back. He's been like posting online and tagging her and shit. He's been like calling her, he's been like texting her, like, baby girl, like, I'm so sorry, I cheat on with you with not one. But two bitches uh come back to me and she's like, fuck you, and he's like, No, I love you. So he calls her, but Vlad is there now and he like has a claim on her body.

SPEAKER_03 44:35

Does he call her on WhatsApp? How does he call her?

SPEAKER_00 44:37

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 44:38

I guess he's paying international fares to make this bitch call.

SPEAKER_00 44:42

Yep. Um, she's just gonna ignore the call, and then Vlad answers the call.

SPEAKER_01 44:48

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 44:49

And Vlad's like, Aubrey, we should show him what he could never do for you. I have a quote for you to read.

SPEAKER_03 44:59

Should I do what what voice should I do?

SPEAKER_00 45:02

I think you should do the Romanian voice. So he puts that phone on speakerphone, he sluts, sets it down next to Aubrey on the counter, lifts this bitch onto the counter, and then Yo Pussy is so fat for me.

SPEAKER_03 45:14

How about I show him exactly what he could never give you? Hmm. Uh, Chad's voice sounds irate over the phone, but Vlad looks at me with lust in his eyes, a feral grin on his face. Then Vlad leans towards the speaker. How about you stop yelling for a moment, Charles, and give a listen? That's right, love. This is going mad, German. That's right, love. You're going to come for me, aren't you? Maybe then he will understand who you belong to, hmm? God Look at you. This slick vet pussy is all mine, isn't it? I whimpered my head rolls into the back of my head as his thumb skates across my clit. Perhaps we should take a picture now. Show your ex-lover how I can make your eyes glaze over. How you mule like a kitten in my arms.

SPEAKER_00 46:13

That went crazy German at the end there. That went crazy German.

SPEAKER_03 46:18

I'm not gonna keeping accents for very long.

SPEAKER_00 46:19

You did good for a little bit there. Uh so he's making this bitch bust on the phone with her ex-boyfriend.

SPEAKER_03 46:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:25

And clearly, obviously, that's the last we hear of the ex-boyfriend. Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_03 46:29

Can you imagine you like call your ex to try to like get back together and they ha she has like crazy passionate sex with a weird-sounding European guy, and you're like, I guess I just won't make further calls. I mean I guess I'm done with that.

SPEAKER_00 46:43

Look, if someone can have that accent and make bitches bust, like, you gotta respect the game.

SPEAKER_03 46:48

Yeah. Pussy game strong.

SPEAKER_00 46:49

Yeah, you're beaten out, the goofy accent. Yeah, absolutely. 100%.

SPEAKER_03 46:54

Yeah, and you're uh you're an Atlanta bisexual. You have options.

SPEAKER_00 46:58

Uh yeah. Hella. I heard that's black Game Mecca.

SPEAKER_03 47:03

That's black Amecca.

SPEAKER_00 47:05

Um, so Aubrey, in order to pay back uh Vlad for making her bust on the phone with her ex and thereby solving the problem she had with her ex, uh, decides to cook dinner for him.

SPEAKER_01 47:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 47:18

Uh, and she's like, I'm gonna make you an old recipe, which is my grandma's spaghetti meatballs. And when she starts cooking, uh it has hella garlic in it.

SPEAKER_03 47:28

Oh, and he he's like not a big fan.

SPEAKER_00 47:30

He's a vampire. Uh so he is like, okay, well, we gotta figure out a way to not have me die from garlic. Because I guess it's just known knowledge amongst vampire or monster folks that um uh vampires are incredibly allergic to garlic.

SPEAKER_03 47:44

Well, that's one of the things, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're averse to garlic.

SPEAKER_00 47:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's using hella garlic, and Doyle runs in before dinner and is like, I got this. We're gonna use a fucking epi pen on you.

SPEAKER_03 47:55

Does that work? He doesn't have blood.

SPEAKER_00 47:58

Don't question it.

SPEAKER_03 48:00

Um, so he they all sit down for like dinner and Doyle's just like jabbing him with like 70 Epi pens throughout dinner.

SPEAKER_00 48:08

So they're all sitting down to dinner and they're all eating, and Vlad hasn't touched it yet. Abby's like, what's wrong? Because oh, like I just I just want to like I'm just enjoying watching you so much. And eventually he takes a bite, and then all of a sudden, someone's like, Oh my god, is that a wolf outside? And it's Doyle saying, Look outside, there's a wolf, stabs Vlad in the leg, shoots him with an epi pen, which of course is just adrenaline. Yeah, yeah. This causes Vlad to gain so much vampiric power all at once that the entire castle shakes, the table levitates and flips over, and then he flies out the room, but she's like, Where'd he fucking go? And he's like, Oh my god, there's tremors in the foundation of the castle again. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 48:43

So crazy.

SPEAKER_00 48:44

And Aubrey's like, is that like a concern? Like, should we be worried about that? He's like, No, man, like Vlad's got it. Like, don't worry about the earthquakes, they happen very rarely. She goes, So, you guys are like ready for it. He goes, Oh, it's not a concern, don't worry about it. And then Vlad disappears because he is a fucking full vampire powering out because he's he's kind of like at the end of Morbius. I guess I guess. Um, well, remember that uh cosplay event that Doyle and I think.

SPEAKER_03 49:18

Yeah, the furry convention is in town.

SPEAKER_00 49:20

The furry convention happens, it's a one-night party to like oh, it's like an opening ceremony. Uh, and it it's coming up fast and hard. Um Aubrey and Vlad keep boning. Uh they're having a wonderful romantic time. Their relationship is really growing and building. Uh, and and eventually uh some more people check into the hotel. And it's an old man.

SPEAKER_03 49:44

An old man.

SPEAKER_00 49:44

Whose name is George.

SPEAKER_03 49:46

George.

SPEAKER_00 49:46

George is also an influencer of the jungle.

SPEAKER_03 49:49

Oh, it's not a monster.

SPEAKER_00 49:50

No. George is just an old gay southern man with a little dog named Fifi.

SPEAKER_03 49:55

Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 49:56

Fifi's an influencer dog.

SPEAKER_03 49:58

Oh, okay. Like the one my mom's like. It's like one of the one of those dogs with like an Instagram account.

SPEAKER_00 50:02

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 50:03

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_00 50:03

And the other one's like a hot woman.

SPEAKER_03 50:05

Oh kind of a classic Instagram account.

SPEAKER_00 50:08

Exactly. Um, and so the hot woman's all over Vlad, and Aubrey's like, I'm gonna leave. Uh clearly he doesn't like me, and he was just using me for sex. This is horrible. Uh, and and and this is this is awful.

SPEAKER_03 50:20

Oh, bro, your communication skills are so bad.

SPEAKER_00 50:23

Uh and Vlad runs to find her and is like, haha, what's going on? She goes, Oh, I'm gonna leave like my reservations up tomorrow. And he goes, No, you have to stay. And she's like, I don't know, it seems like you have enough uh people here. He goes, I do not care about them, I just want to be with you.

SPEAKER_03 50:37

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:38

You know. Uh and she's like, Fine, I guess we'll stay for another week. Took very little convincing.

SPEAKER_03 50:45

Um Yeah, what's the charge on that?

SPEAKER_00 50:47

I don't know. Um to show how serious he is about her, he takes her down to his favorite part of the castle, which is secluded from everyone else. It's like a cave underneath one of the balconies, and it's a bat cave.

SPEAKER_03 51:01

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 51:02

And he uses his magical. He uses his magical bat powers to like call all the bats out of the cave.

SPEAKER_03 51:11

Like Morbius.

SPEAKER_00 51:14

Like that part in Morbius. Like Morbius. Um I guess. Um, and so she's like petting the bats, and she's like, oh my god, they're so cute. My comment on there is I'm so fucking jealous, I wish I could pet a bat.

SPEAKER_03 51:27

I was about to ask, were you jealous?

SPEAKER_00 51:29

I was, but my note after how jealous I was was uh but you shouldn't be encouraging people to pet bats. They're actually very dangerous. You have to wear gloves when handling them.

SPEAKER_03 51:37

Yeah, I was about to say.

SPEAKER_00 51:38

They're they're animals, they're wild animals.

SPEAKER_03 51:40

Um well I mean like he's kind of controlling them.

SPEAKER_00 51:43

I guess, but like, is he controlling their rabies? Like vampiric rabies management.

SPEAKER_03 51:49

Okay, but he doesn't have he doesn't have rabies in his bats. These are clean bats. He has dirty rabbits.

SPEAKER_00 51:55

They're wild, they're wild bats.

SPEAKER_03 51:57

Okay, sometimes. And sometimes they and sometimes they listen to the call of his command.

SPEAKER_00 52:03

They can be wild bats. Are you serious?

SPEAKER_03 52:07

No. You can have rabies if you answer a vampire's call.

SPEAKER_00 52:15

That's how you know it's a rabies when he has to put down, it stays in the cave.

SPEAKER_03 52:19

Yeah, hang on. He just he rings its bell like a chicken.

SPEAKER_00 52:24

Um shut up. Two Aubrey found this so romantic, and she's like, wow, he really trusts me and he really wants me to like get to know him so well. Um, and he shows her a back entrance to the castle. He's like, Oh my gosh, like there's so many secret entrances here I want to show you. So she takes him, he takes her into a back entrance. And they're going up this like old timey spirally staircase, and she's like, You showed me something special, and I want to show you something special. And she goes to sock his dick.

SPEAKER_03 52:50

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 52:51

Only when she's when she's down there mounting.

SPEAKER_03 52:53

Haven't they already fucked? That's not like special. She hasn't given him a blowy. Ben there. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 52:58

She's I mean, apparently he's got a big fat peen. You gotta really work your jaw out to get that one going.

SPEAKER_03 53:03

That would be pretty special, you're right. Um just has a ginormous mouth.

SPEAKER_00 53:10

Yeah. Um, so she's down there sucking dick, and he's like, Oh, you probably shouldn't do that, and she's like, haha, I'm gonna do it. And then she like leans over a little bit, hits a magical button, which opens up the wall, and all the other guests, the hot bitch, the dog, and Doyle and the old gay man, all see her on her knees sucking dick.

SPEAKER_03 53:27

Oh. That's my that's my voyeur button. Oh no, don't hit that.

SPEAKER_00 53:37

That's my that's my secret. Turn around the uh wall button so everyone can see me getting my shit sucked.

SPEAKER_03 53:42

He has a um, oh, what's the what's the kink where like you it's like sexy to like get caught having sex to you?

SPEAKER_00 53:49

It's uh the exhibition?

SPEAKER_03 53:50

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He he has like an exhibitionist kink. That's his button for that.

SPEAKER_00 53:54

He loves it.

SPEAKER_03 53:56

Uh he just hasn't so it's just like Doyle constantly turns a corner and there's Vlad fucking someone. German!

SPEAKER_00 54:02

Just dick out in hand, Fenty body glitter. No. Um, okay. So whatever, fun. She calls her best friend, who of course is the one that's like, maybe he's a vampire. Uh, and is like, hey, so I was looking up this guy, and he doesn't exist anywhere online, and like I she's her best friend's a super hacker.

SPEAKER_03 54:26

Oh, okay, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 54:27

So her best friend's like, I hacked into Social Security and he doesn't exist there either, you know, like shit like that.

SPEAKER_03 54:33

Yeah, he's just like, yeah, I was just like born during like Ceausescu's reign. So like after like the fall of Ceausescu's regime, there just like wasn't a lot of uh records. And then her this is easy.

SPEAKER_00 54:44

That's a fine joke. Um uh and then her bestie's like also I was doing some digging into his financial records and he's loaded as fuck, and he is a part owner in in Frankie Stein, the Elon Musk of this world's uh company. So like who the fuck is this guy?

SPEAKER_03 55:02

And uh uh He's Romanian Peter Teal.

SPEAKER_00 55:06

I guess.

SPEAKER_03 55:07

Um Are you the Angie Christ?

SPEAKER_00 55:10

Uh stop it. Uh Aubrey's like, that is weird, but like whatever. And then she goes to confront Vlad and she's like, Who are you? Like, I can't find anything about you online. Uh, but uh instead of really having a conversation about it, they fuck again.

SPEAKER_01 55:24

Oh, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 55:25

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh only they fuck so hard and it's so passionate. And she's like, I want you to bite me. Not because he's a vampire, she just likes getting her neck fit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only he's a vampire.

SPEAKER_03 55:35

He is a vampire.

SPEAKER_00 55:36

He bites her. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 55:37

Um does he bite her vampire style or does he have to like go around the teeth?

SPEAKER_00 55:41

No, he goes her vampire style. Nah, like in the neck.

SPEAKER_03 55:45

He starts starts sucking her blood.

SPEAKER_00 55:47

A little bit.

SPEAKER_03 55:48

Hot.

SPEAKER_00 55:48

Hot.

SPEAKER_03 55:49

There it is.

SPEAKER_00 55:49

Um, and she thinks it's hot. She's like, uh, so sexy. But then like Well, yeah, she would.

SPEAKER_03 55:53

She's in a vampire fucking book.

SPEAKER_00 55:54

Exactly. Um they were fucking in the shower. She gets out the shower, she looks in the mirror, she's like, oh my god, there's vampire marks on me. And then they magically disappear in the mirror, and he rounds the corner looking hot as fuck. And she's like, Oh my god, are you a vampire? And he goes, Yeah. Kinda. And she's like, What the fuck?

SPEAKER_03 56:14

Um, uh She's like, How did you get through Chaoscu's regime? How come how come your property didn't get expropriated?

SPEAKER_00 56:22

Historical joke. I don't know anything about about Ottoman or Transylvanian or Romanian history, so I'm just like sitting here going, haha yeah.

SPEAKER_03 56:32

Chachescu was a pretty uh uh brutal ruler of Romania during um like Soviet era times.

SPEAKER_00 56:40

Thank you for the knowledge. You're welcome. Here, wait, say your joke again.

SPEAKER_03 56:44

Which which one?

SPEAKER_00 56:45

I don't know, any of them.

SPEAKER_03 56:48

How did he get through without having his land expropriated?

SPEAKER_00 56:52

What a good joke!

SPEAKER_03 56:53

Thank you. There it is.

SPEAKER_00 56:54

See, now that you have the reference, and we all have the reference, we can laugh together. We all get the joke. Um, so she he's like, hey, like, I'm a real vampire. We can totally talk about this later, but we got a big party we gotta go set up for. Don't tell anyone. He leaves to go get set up for the party that's happening, their their you know, cosplay party. Uh and she immediately calls her bestie. She's like, You're right, he's a vampire.

SPEAKER_03 57:18

He is a vampire. Awesome. They do exist, and you're correct.

SPEAKER_00 57:21

And you're correct. Um, so the big party happens. Uh Vlad bought her a special dress that makes her look like a vampire bride, of course.

SPEAKER_01 57:30

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 57:31

Uh uh uh Vlad's there dressed like a vampire.

unknown 57:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:36

Doyle's there dressed like a vampire. It's like Doyle's uh that's not for Doyle. I agree. But it's like a it's like a gothy party.

SPEAKER_03 57:43

You know those, um you know those people in like New Orleans who are like, I am a vampire, and you're like, No, you're not. You're just like a weirdo.

SPEAKER_00 57:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 57:50

You're just like a weirdo and you like frilly shirts. Yeah. Um, do you think Dracula sees them and he's like, that's problematic?

SPEAKER_00 57:58

Well, he wasn't online until approximately a week ago, and he was like He's catching up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 58:05

Like this girl Kendra is a therapist.

SPEAKER_00 58:09

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, so during the party, Vlad pulls Aubrey away into a hallway and is like, hey, I love you. Also, I think you're my mate. Vampire's mate in this book.

SPEAKER_03 58:24

Oh, nice. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 58:25

Yep. I think you're my mate, and uh uh I want you to stay here uh and and and be together forever. And she's like, Okay, I guess we can try dating.

SPEAKER_03 58:35

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 58:36

That's not what he said, but alright. He didn't want to be a good one.

SPEAKER_03 58:40

Yeah, we can try dating. Wait, what's the what's the visa situation in Romania? He's surely she's not allowed to stay there for more than like 60 days.

SPEAKER_00 58:48

He could definitely pay the government if he's like besties with like the Elon Musk of the world. Also, he's a vampire.

SPEAKER_03 58:56

I think I think this guy should die. I think he should be killed.

SPEAKER_00 59:01

That's what one of my quotes uh comments in my my reading is the comp like there the politics of this book is complicated. I can't decide how I feel. He's like wealthy and like a piece of shit, but also like it's cute.

SPEAKER_03 59:15

Yeah, kill kill kill Frankie Stein too.

SPEAKER_00 59:18

Kill Frank Fuck yeah. Frankie Stein is actually in the third book. That's the main character of the third book. But throughout the first two, you're kind of like, he's gonna be like a really evil piece of shit.

SPEAKER_03 59:28

Just throughout the entire book, he's like, um, I am I am become meme.

SPEAKER_00 59:32

Um, this has nothing to do with the first book, but I want to talk about this because they reveal it in the second book. Frank Frankenstein has magical powers.

SPEAKER_03 59:38

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 59:39

Of fire.

SPEAKER_03 59:40

That's that seems not correct.

SPEAKER_00 59:43

You know the thing he was scared of in the book.

SPEAKER_03 59:45

Yeah. Yeah, when you master your fears, you can control them.

SPEAKER_00 59:50

He can create fire from his body.

SPEAKER_03 59:54

That's it's kinda it's kind of like how Dracula was afraid of bats and now he controls them. He was Batman. Yeah, he's Bat he's Batman. Batman. And now uh and now Frankenstein is fireman.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:05

What's a doyle?

unknown 1:00:07

Wolfman.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:08

Really not upgrading his powers at all here.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:10

No, no, no, no. Well he can he controls wolf, but the wolf is within him. You know how within you are two wolves? Both have autism, yeah. Now it's outside. It's two wolves.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:20

We we all have two wolves on outside. Yeah. Um, so they're upstairs. She's like, I guess we can date. He's like, okay, I love you. And she's like, ah, yeah. And then Doyle runs up the stairs. He's like, Vlad, we gotta go. And he's like, Oh, I'm kind of doing something important. He's like, dude, Frank and Jekyll are here. We gots to go.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:39

Oh my god, from Jekyll and Hyde?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:41

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:42

Uh oh my god. Jekyll's like does coke and turns into Mr. Hyde.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:50

Kinda.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:53

I could write these books.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:55

I you maybe, probably. Um, and so they all run downstairs to like this abandoned castle on the property to go like talk to Frank and Jekyll. And Vlad's like, how dare you, motherfucker, show up to my house, uh, and like this is bullshit. And it's like this weirdly tense meeting, uh, where like they're talking about how like they have like this agreement amongst them and they're all like bought into Frank's company, but like they all kind of seem to hate and distrust each other. It's kind of like weird friendship you have going here, but okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:26

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:27

Um, Frank is basically like you can't fucking mate with this human because humans can't know we exist and you're fucking crazy. And Vlad's like, well, she's my mate and I know it, and Frank is like, Well have you like JC's hand is up, yes, JC?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:46

Um can he not just make her a vampire? Is this like a Volturi situation? Like where it's just like he doesn't want to make her a vampire because he thinks that sucks.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:57

So no, so they have to for in order for her to get like extended life, they have to like not signal and not like consummate, but like seal their bond, right? Oh sure, which is usually through fucking.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:10

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:11

Special fucking.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:12

Okay. Well they've been doing that.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:14

They haven't special fucked yet.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:15

Oh, they haven't he hasn't made her squirt.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:17

Yeah, or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:18

Um I have to make you squirt and then I have to drink the squirt and then you have to drink my squirt.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:24

Yeah, sure, I guess. They're trading squirt. Um, and he's like, Well, well, you haven't sealed the bond yet, so like uh you can't fucking uh be mated to her. That's not a good thing to do. You know how humans are, they're just untrustworthy and bad and evil, and Frank is.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:36

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:37

Flat's like, you can't tell me what the fuck to do, Frank. I've been alive longer than you, I'm stronger than you, I'll kill you. And Frank is like, shut the fuck up, bitch. Uh, I can just ship you away from here or make her leave. And if you haven't like sealed the bond with her, then like eventually that like mating call bond vibe will just like disappear and like you'll go back to being normal. And Vlad's like, I don't want to fucking do that. And then there's like this big tense meeting, and Vlad's like, get the fuck off my land. If you fucking touch her, I'll kill you. I fucking hate you.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:08

Get off my lawn.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:09

Bitch.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:10

Bitch.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:10

Um and and then Vlad fucks off and leaves. Nice.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:16

Uh hell yeah. And whatnot.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:20

Yep. Frankenstein and Jekyll on their way out of the party run into Aubrey. Okay. Uh, and they're like, hey, what's up, Queen? And Frank like grabs her and is like, you need to come with me. And she's like, I don't need to do shit with you.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:36

Well, for what it's worth, this is true to Elon Musk.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:38

No, dead ass. And he's like, You need to come with me, and she's like, I don't have to do shit with you. And Frank is like, I will fucking kill you if you don't come with me.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:45

He's like, I swear to God, comedy is legal again.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:50

Um, she's like, I will kill you. Uh, and she's like, I don't give a fuck, like, I'm not gonna leave. He goes, fine, I'll kill you and every single person you love. I'm gonna kill your friend that I know about, I'm gonna kill your grandma I know about, I'm gonna kill your parents that I know about. Uh grandma too. I'm gonna kill everyone, uh, and you have to come with me. So basically, like she goes with him because he's threatened to kill everyone and named where they live and who they are. Uh, and he shoves her on a plane back to Atlanta.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:20

She's gonna she's getting deported.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:24

I guess so. Um, Vlad realizes that Aubrey is gone and is fucking furious because he's like, I know who the fuck did it, and he's like, I gotta go to America and get this bitch back. And Doyle's like, How are you gonna fucking do that, dude?

SPEAKER_03 1:04:42

He's gonna turn into a bat.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:43

He's like, he's like, you know, Frank is gonna is gonna stop you if you try to get on a plane. Uh you know you don't have the the powers yet to like back to control minds. Like, how are you gonna fucking do that? And he goes, I'll figure it out. Uh he does end up figuring out, he does end up going to America. Good for him. Uh back in America at this time, uh, Aubrey's crying hysterically.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:02

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:03

She's with Bernadette, her friend. She's with her grandma. Fuck her parents.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:07

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:08

Um, and she's like crying hysterically. She's like, Vlad doesn't reach out to me, he doesn't care about me, I don't know what to fucking do. I'm terrified of Frankie Stein. Uh Frankie Stein is both Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos because they reference like Amazon a lot.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:21

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:22

And she's like, I can never order from that company ever again. Every time I see a package from them, it's just disgusting and awful.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:28

Frankie Stein keeps uh FedEx overnighting her like a plastic bag full of cum.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:35

Gross.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:36

I'm gonna do at least two more of these.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:42

Um, so uh Aubrey's like, he never loved me, he was just lying. Uh I I don't know what to do. Meanwhile, this whole week she's freaking out. Flat's actually been in Atlanta. But when he got to Atlanta, he turned into a bat to try to find her and immediately got hit by a truck and taken in. By animal rehabilitation and has been in a cat cage in an animal center.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:04

That's funny.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:04

Doyle has to go get him out of the animal center as a bat.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:08

At that point, just go home.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:10

Are you taking too many L's?

SPEAKER_03 1:06:12

Aubrey's gonna be like, that's giving me the ick. You were in a cat carrier? Ew.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:18

They go to Aubrey's apartment, which she hasn't been at, but uh they see that there's a wedding invite on the fridge, that she's going to a wedding the next day. How convenient for them. They show up, they crash the wedding. Uh uh Vlad tells her he loves her and he's sorry he didn't find her sooner, but he was uh otherwise indisposed.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:38

Oh, sure. He doesn't give her the deets.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:41

Uh Aubrey says, I never wanted to leave. The only reason I did is because Frank threatened me. He's like, I'm gonna fucking kill him. Doyle's like, please don't do that yet. Um, and and then they they bone and they live happily ever after, and that's the whole book.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:55

Oh, good.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:55

Yeah. I have some really embarrassing quotes that I'd like to read.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:59

These are some cringe quotes. Uh the one of the last quotes in the book is about Vlad and Aubrey and her titties, which is he becomes emotionless, staring at my breast like they're Starbucks, and he is a thirsty millennial.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:15

And he's a thirsty millennial.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:16

Hated that.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:17

Um I mean he's a millennial, but from like the 1400s.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:20

Oh my god. Um uh after Vlad is that just happened. After Vlad's been on live online too long, he keeps telling Doyle he's going to unalive people.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:31

That sucks. No, I don't like that.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:34

Uh uh, and Aubrey has a moment where she talks about how her plan is to uh eat uh a lot of cupcakes and ice cream in the next year and ballooning up to a size 10.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:48

Oh, that's not like That's not Bahia's.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:51

So anyway, this is a millennial another reason why I have to hate Aubrey.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:55

Anyway, so that is that is your coffin or mine. I it was so cringe at first I hated it, and now I think back on it and I'm like, I don't like Aubrey. I truly hate Aubrey as a character. Uh she is the antithesis. Antithesis?

SPEAKER_03 1:08:09

That's the word you're looking for.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:10

Of everything I hate. She's just the worst.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:13

She sucks. Uh but I think it's a fun world they created. I love the Elon Musk Jeff Bezos freak.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:20

That's pretty funny.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:21

Frankenstein.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:22

So he's gonna he's gonna have like his own POV book.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:25

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's book three.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:27

I I do like to have it's with like a um uh this book version of like Grimes. It's like an avant-garde like electronica artist.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:36

Should I bring should I bring back book three for the pod?

SPEAKER_03 1:08:39

No.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:39

You don't wanna know what Frankie Stein, Elon Musk, left Jeff Bezos is doing?

SPEAKER_03 1:08:42

No, I've kind of already like blown out all of my Elon Musk jokes.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:46

You only add those many?

SPEAKER_03 1:08:48

I don't have very I don't have that many of them.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:49

You don't have that many Elon Musk jokes?

SPEAKER_03 1:08:51

Actually, no, I could do a lot more. Never mind. I would have to study up though. Because I like it's kind of like one of those things where uh like you always yell at me when I ask you for examples of stuff, and you're like, I can't think of them that fast. I feel like that where like I know so many like dumb Elon Musk moments that I could reference that like if you ask me on the spot, all I have is he FedEx over nights has come to women.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:13

That was kind of that one I I didn't even it took me a second to remember that fact.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:17

Yeah, that he only has um children via IVF.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:22

Well, I mean, what would he do? Fuck those pussies, those disgusting pussy. It's because he's got that botched penis or something.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:27

Yeah, allegedly his penis is weird. This is I was actually going to comment that it is very funny to have the Elon Musk based character be uh Frankenstein, who's just like a hodgepodge of uh sacks of flesh, because that's kind of what Elon Musk looks like to me.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:43

That's devastating.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:44

He looks kind of like um if someone tried to make a person with clay. But like like a child. Like a child made someone with clay. Yeah, and it like that's why the chest is so like barreled out. You don't look like that.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:58

He looks like we've been watching a lot of Gilmar girls.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:01

We have.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:01

He looks like Kirk's weird body, but if you like inflated out the concave chest.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:06

You like put a tube in Kirk in Oh Sean Gunn's mouth and went, Yeah, exactly. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:14

For sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:16

For sure, for sure. Who's the second one about?

SPEAKER_00 1:10:18

Doyle.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:19

It's about good for Doyle.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:20

Doyle's first name is actually Connor. His last name is Oh Doyle, and they just refer to him as Doyle throughout this book.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:26

He's Irish?

SPEAKER_00 1:10:26

He's Irish by way of London.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:28

I Irish in English and living in Romania is kind of the opposite, is my of my understanding on the way that type of interview is.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:35

He's reverse reversing it. Yeah. Well, he's got a bestie who's a thousand years old who got young pussy. How did it how did they meet?

SPEAKER_03 1:10:44

Did they say? No. Oh, they're just like, yeah, we're monsters and we have to.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:47

It's kinda like hinted at. I actually just got to the part in the second book where they kind of talk about how they meet.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:52

Um, but uh they just like meet at one of the monster clubs and they hit it off.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:56

No, I think that they're like family in some way.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:00

Or family?

SPEAKER_00 1:11:01

Yeah, it's complicated.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:03

I guess it is going anyway. It's like a Romanian guy immigrating to England.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:07

I think it's like there's like some witch woman who like created Doyle and Frankenstein. I don't know how he relates to Vlad yet, but we're gonna- A witch woman? Yeah, the witch queen.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:18

Oh, sure. I don't know. New Orleans?

SPEAKER_00 1:11:20

No, she's Romanian.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:22

Also Romanian. Romania ha holds like a weird space in uh these types of stories.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:27

Yeah, and the the the monster hearts.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:30

Yeah, the only pe the only like stuff I know of that like really gets into Romania is like um Yeah, like these types of monster stories, and then like is it Prince Harry who was uh always going to Romania? It's maybe it's Andrew. I wouldn't be surprised.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:49

Andrew was the one who's a pedophile.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:51

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like he was he was like summering in Romania, and then like British people there was like a rash of British people being like, I think I I have to go to Romania for like summer, and they get there and they realize that like it's not cool. It's not cool in the way they think.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:06

No, I can't imagine it would be. It would be dope as hell for goth bitch reasons and for uh the uh Ottoman historical ownership of it, but like I don't know what there is to do there.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:19

I don't know that much about Romania.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:21

Uh Vampires. Yeah, Dracula. He's cool. Uh Pussy getting cool Ottoman hat guy.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:27

Hot, ten out of ten. Bone, bone, bone hard. How's the how's the smut in this book? It's good. Uh I like the smut in the second book better. I feel like like a lot of these books, you see how they start and then they get the reception that is really well, and they start writing, and by their second book, they get more comfortable.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:44

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:45

Uh it was true with uh the Naga Brides, it's true with this series, it's true with a lot of these series because they just they get comfy in it. Um, not bad. Uh there is always a a as you see in a lot of these books as I talk about, a good emphasis on female pleasure. There'd be lots of squirting.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:04

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:05

Lots of squart.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:07

Lots of oral sex.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:08

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:09

Lots of focus on female pleasure.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:12

Hang on, I missed it. Did Aubrey become a vampire?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:15

No.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:16

She she's still a human.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:19

I believe so, but she bonded her life with Vlad, so now their life She's kind of his thrall. Kind of. Their life lengths are shared.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:28

What?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:28

So if he dies, she dies, type shit. But like she will live as long as he does.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:32

Oh, so she's not a vampire.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:34

No, but she is like a supernatural-ish being.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:37

Okay, so she can she she's gonna like live as long as he does, but she can also eat like a pulpork sandwich.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:43

Yeah, and can go out in the sun without special sunscreen.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:45

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:45

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:46

Does he do that? Does he have special sunscreen?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:47

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has special sunscreen.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:48

What's the sunscreen? What's the vampire uh uh certified sunscreen?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:53

I don't know, it's made by Jekyll, he's like the the the problem he's the problem solver in these series. Every time Ladd needs something, uh they go to Jekyll, or every time Doyle needs something in book two, he goes to Jekyll and he's like, I need this thing because of this weird wolfy problem or this weird vampire problem. Jack was like, Bet. Um so he's just there to solve the problems.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:11

Is it kind of like um you know how in the vampire diaries um at like the start of the series the two main characters have sunlight rings? Um, but they're like they're you're meant to understand that they are pretty rare, and the only reason the two main characters have them is because they've like known a witch at some point.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:30

But then like one of the main characters becomes a powerful enough witch that she can just do that stuff for them at any point. So like once the entire cast is vampire, she's just like cranking out like ugly sunlight rings all the time. They're not really rare, she's flooding the market.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:46

She is the sweatshop of sunlight rings.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:49

Yeah, so it's just like Jekyll's kind of that, but for uh Dracula.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:53

Yeah, kinda. He supplies blood bags, he supplies sunscreen, he supplies the epi pen. The ep he Vla Vlad can't get his own EpiPen. Uh he supplies like heat suppressants in the second book. What? Yeah, he supplies everything.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:10

Hell yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:11

He's running like a black market for like three supernatural dickheads in like Romania.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:17

Okay, hang on. How how like involved in like the international world is Jekyll?

SPEAKER_00 1:15:24

Not very.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:25

So he's oh, so not very?

SPEAKER_00 1:15:26

No.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:27

So Jekyll's not going to Epstein Island.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:29

No, he's described as like a party boy who likes to wear leather jackets and smoke cigarettes and he likes to swear. Frankenstein might be Epstein.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:40

It's kind of like, you know those like weirdos online who think that Jeffrey Epstein is still alive because every so often they see like an old Jewish guy in Israel.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:50

Exactly Frankenstein. They're seeing Frankenstein. It's Frankenstein. Frankenstein.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:57

Frankenstein did not kill himself.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:05

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:06

Awesome. Awesome ending. Okay, JC, any final words?

SPEAKER_03 1:16:09

Have a good, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:10

Have a good idea.